


Look Back, Don’t Stare

by Aelia1980



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Bottom Jensen Ackles, Drama, Eating Disorders, Future Fic, M/M, Non AU, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:09:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29584938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aelia1980/pseuds/Aelia1980
Summary: Jensen is happy. Sure, he has this crush on his best friend and co-star ever since that fateful night they slept together but other than that, life is really good. Until the day Jared betrays his trust and brakes the vow they took when they started the show. Jensen falls into a deep dark hole, not able to dig himself out, while Jared seemingly lives the movie star life he has always dreamed of, not caring about his past and his former best friend any longer. When Jared is almost killed in an accident and Jensen gets the chance to see his friend one last time, he finally learns that things are not always like they seem and that there still is something worth fighting for. But can Jared learn to forgive himself for what he has done? Can he learn to look forward, not to stare back?
Relationships: Genevieve Cortese/Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 9
Kudos: 35





	Look Back, Don’t Stare

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t know Jared, Jensen or anyone else mentioned in this story. This is a work of fiction, written for “entertainment” and certainly not to hurt mentioned characters. I just borrowed their names, jobs, a bit of their background and invented so much more. Nothing mentioned in this fiction ever happened. 
> 
> A/N #1: Title taken from Take That’s song "Eight Letters" 
> 
> A/N # 2: This is far more a au than a non au and it’s probably is the toughest, sort of saddest fics I’ve written so far with Jared doing all these horrible things and making so many mistakes even though he wanted nothing than protect Jensen. I’m sure that not everyone will like the way I characterized both Js in this story so whoever reads this and likes it - thanks for giving it a try.

# Prologue

The wrap party is nothing special. Just cast and crew, crowded together in the too small bar. The air is warm and stuffy, spiced with the scent of oil, meat and beer, mingled with sweat and heavy perfume. Classic rock songs sound from an old jukebox but the music is almost drowned out with laughter and chatter, with people clapping each other’s back, praising themselves and each other.

The budget is low but this is not about posh food and expensive drinks. This is about celebrating the end of a very successful season; more successful than everyone had imagined it one year ago when they had shot the Pilot, not knowing whether the show would be picked up or not. They all worked hard to get where they are now but none of them would deny that the real acknowledgment goes to two young guys, talented and passionate, having something you don’t always find when you’re looking for the perfect cast: chemistry.

Said guys are huddled together at a table that looks too small for their tall frames, two half full bottles of beer and plates filled with burgers, chicken wings, steak and fries crowding it even more. They are seated right in the middle of the party but are still in their own small world. Whenever someone comes over to them, they look up, take the time for a chat and to banter but once they’re alone again, the actors slip back into their own private universe. Their voices are low, but for the taller man’s booming laughter and most of all, their bodies talk. Hands fly through the air, touching this and that. Eyes grow wider or are squinted together, looking intense or amused. Lips smile, sometimes only a little, mostly though, broad, flashing white teeth.

Watching them is entertaining, amusing and even sort of overwhelming because no one would believe that these two men, who laugh and treat each other like they have known each other all their lives, barely met a dozen months ago. It’s a gift that rarely happens, most of all in their business. Cast _to play_ brothers, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles _became_ brothers in the glimpse of an eye. They hadn’t decided on bonding when they first met. It just happened, with one handshake and a smile and the sound of home in their voices. Now, over one year later, they found in each other what most people look for in vain their whole life; confidant, best friend, soul mate.

Both know, in a way, they are blessed. They have the job they’ve always dreamed of, on a show that is just them, a bunch of pretty fan girls who adore them and most of all; they can do all this with their best friend. Besides, they are happy and healthy, have loving families and friends. Life is good. What else could they wish for?

For a while, Jared and Jensen share a comfortable silence, sharing that knowledge without having talked about it. Their eyes glide over the crowd, over countless co-workers who became family, and a knowing smile ghosts over the young men’s lips. Simultaneously, they look at each other. The bar is only semi-lit and their faces are a barely recognizable mask of shadows, but it’s enough for Jared and Jensen, to see each other, to understand.

"I wish it’d never have to end." Jensen puts his thoughts into words, more for himself than for Jared. Deep down, Jensen knows it’s a stupid thing to wish for. Nothing is forever, least of all shows on US TV. Sooner or later this will be someone else’s dream. Sooner or later, their dream will be something else, something different, maybe bigger. But right now, here in this smoky, dark bar in Vancouver, nothing seems better than doing _Supernatural_ with Jared, his best friend, forever.

"Yeah, me too," Jared agrees dreamily. "Let’s take a vow, Jen. No matter what happens, no matter what offers we get, as long as they want us to do the show, we’ll do it."

Not even hesitating for one moment, Jensen takes the sharp knife that came with the cutlery, cleans it on his napkin and cuts his palm. The cut burns but it’s a good pain, a pain that does the promise justice. With a kind of perverted fascination, he watches the blood dripping down onto the greasy napkin just as Jared cuts his own palm without batting an eye.

Reaching out, Jared takes Jensen’s hand in his, pressing wound against wound. His best friend’s hand is a warm presence in his own, Jensen’s grip strong but still gentle. Their blood mingles, dripping together on the old, scarred wooden table and Jared can’t tell whose blood is whose. It’s simply theirs. They’re one - confidants, best friends, soul mates and they will always be like that.

They don’t repeat the promise. They don’t need to. It’s burned into their minds and hearts, never to be forgotten.

# Part One

## Chapter One - July 2008

Their living room is filled with what looks like fifty people and more than half of them don’t even seem familiar to Jensen. He can’t tell if it’s because twilight crept over the city and no one has bothered to turn on the lights yet, if it’s because he had one shot too many, or simply because he really doesn’t know most of the people celebrating his best friend’s birthday. No matter what it is, Jensen feels like a stranger in his own living room and that makes him damn uncomfortable.

Nervously, Jensen plays with the moist label of his beer, letting his gaze scan over the crowd. He spots Tom and Mike, whispering in a dark corner, but it looks too intimate to disturb. There’s Chad, but Chad and he, they’ve never been close, and Jensen honestly doesn’t want to start a conversation with him, least of all when the other man is busy chatting up Cassie, one of the assistants from set. A bunch of guys from the crew, with their spouses or partners, are standing in another corner and they seem to be having the time of their lives, laughing their asses off, but Jensen would feel like an intruder if he joined them. So he stays where he is, almost hidden by the huge ficus he brought with him when he moved in three weeks ago.

There’s also the bunch of old school friends Jared invited, almost a dozen guys, accompanied by their girlfriends or wives. They all seem nice enough - Jensen didn’t expect anything else, them being friends with Jared - but when he joined them earlier, it was sort of awkward. Sharing nothing else but inside jokes and stories, Jared always having been involved in the trouble they were reminiscing about, Jensen soon felt like the odd man out and for the first time in three years, Jensen actually realized that he doesn’t know Jared half as well as most of these guys. Sure, now, it is Jared and Jensen who share laughter and banter, who play jokes on others and have all sorts of crazy adventures together, but compared to these guys, who have known Jared almost all their lives, some of them since kindergarten, what they have is nothing. It made Jensen strangely sad and lonely and so far, he hasn’t been able to shake it off, the issue not exactly lightening his spirits.

A part of Jensen wants to hide in his room but the problem is that he doesn’t have a room to hide in, because Jared asked Jensen if he’d mind ceding it to one of his old buddies and being the good friend that Jensen is, he agreed. Them having only been roommates temporarily, Jensen isn’t much more than a guest at Jared’s house himself, and it’s the least he can do. Besides, there are worse fates than sharing Jared’s huge and extremely comfortable bed - with Jared himself, of all people.

The other part of Jensen though, just wants to see and talk to Jared. It wants to make sure that, even though Jared and Jensen haven’t shared most of their lives, they are close nevertheless. He knows he might behave like a girl here, all self-conscious and insecure, but the problem is that he often is. People don’t see him like this; they see him like the character he plays, all tough and extroverted, sassy or charming. Sure, he can be like that, during interviews or at conventions, but it’s all just a facade. The real Jensen has issues, questions things, doubts himself and sometimes it’s worse than normal.

Choosing the latter option, Jensen leaves his hiding place near the ficus, heading towards the kitchen. He feels a little dizzy as he weaves through the living-room, gently massaging his temples with his thumbs, hoping for a little ease.

He finds a few more crew guys in the kitchen and a cool bottle of water in the fridge but unluckily, not the birthday boy.

Checking Jared’s office/library/lounge without success, Jensen then tries the backyard. The patio is lit with half a dozen torches, throwing dancing shapes of light on the wooden panels and smelling of some kind of oil. The music is a barely there sound in the background and the whole atmosphere is much cozier than inside, people sitting in groups on loungers or the still warm wooden floor.

Jensen spots Jared almost at once, although his tall body is nothing more than a vague outline in the darkness. He’s deep in conversation with a guy Jensen has never seen before and Jensen hesitates to step closer, not wanting to disturb them both, just because he’s being all weird again. But almost like instinct, his friend feels that someone joined them on the patio and Jared looks up, flashing a broad smile when he sees who that someone is, waving him to come over.

"Jen!" Jared cries as Jensen walks over, patting Jensen’s shoulder when he is close enough. He’s all teeth and dimples, beaming brighter than the sun and probably had one shot too many, himself. "What’re ya doing ere?" His Texan drawl is more audible than normal but it gives Jensen a warm feeling of home. "Missed me?"

"Sure I did, you giant jerk," Jensen deadpans but when Jared pulls him into a quick but strong hug, Jensen returns it, suddenly feeling much better than before.

Only when Jared lets go does Jensen notice that the unknown guy is watching them, a really weird expression on his face. Jensen can’t tell what it is, it’s too dark and gone much too soon, but somehow, it makes him uneasy, even though he can’t tell why.

"Meet Ben," Jared introduces. "Grew up in my neighborhood and went to High School with me. He wants to be an agent, Jen."

_And that’s why you suddenly got in touch with Jared again_ , Jensen thinks. But instead of saying it, he puts on a fake smile, introducing himself, shaking the guy’s hand. "Nice to meet you," Jensen lies. Maybe he is prejudiced but this Ben seems anything but likable in Jensen’s eye.

"You enjoying yourself?" Jared asks, taking a sip of his beer.

"Yeah. Sure," Jensen says, much too soon and with a bit too much enthusiasm, and even for a tipsy Jared that’s indication enough that his friend is not really enjoying himself.

"Sure?" Jared leans a little closer, his slightly glassy eyes piercing him.

"Sure I’m sure." As soon as it’s out, Jensen knows that Jared won’t buy it. It’s almost creepy, but Jared always seems to know how Jensen really feels.

Nevertheless, his friend smiles at him but his hand finds its way to Jensen’s shoulder, squeezing it before it moves a little further and comes to rest on the small of Jensen’s back.

It’s nice, feeling Jared’s hand on his back, the warmth seeping through his tee into his spine, the barely there brush once in a while a sweet, intimate gesture. Jensen feels his heart flutter and he knows he shouldn’t; Jared is his best friend, his co-star and as straight as he is himself. Yet, something wakes up whenever Jared touches him like this and it makes him all warm and fuzzy and very much confused.

"Good. Would hate my best buddy to hate my party."

Hearing Jared call him best buddy, mixed with his gentle touch is the best remedy Jensen could have wished for and he smiles back, real and genuine this time, once more feeling Ben’s eyes on them. It’s another weird look, surprised and curious, like he hasn’t expected something like two actors becoming best friends.

"Ben, you excuse us for a mo?" Without waiting for an answer, Jared’s fingers curl around Jensen’s wrist. He tugs him out in the night, away from the patio and his friends and over to the border of his property, where they are shielded from curious eyes by two gigantic Douglas firs.

Jared doesn’t let go once he stops, his fingers pressed against Jensen’s pulse point, a warm connection, even sort of assuring in the darkness under the trees. The sounds from the house are distant and it’s almost pitch black, the thin band of the crescent moon not enough to give them much light.

"Hey, you okay?" Jared sounds sober now and real concern oozes from the words.

"It’s nothing." Jensen brushes away with words and gestures, but Jared stops his flying hand, wrapping his own around it, holding it. Dear God... Jared’s holding his hand... Jensen’s heart is beating faster and he really can’t tell what’s happening here, if it’s the alcohol or his feelings because suddenly, he’s a little dizzy again.

"Yeah, sure." Sarcasm drips from Jared’s words like blood from a blade. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I want you to enjoy yourself, not run around with a face like seven rainy days.

Jensen shrugs. God, this is so embarrassing. He doesn’t want Jared to know; doesn’t want him to know that he is five years old again and a little girl, sad because someone else knows his friend better than he does. It’s ridiculous because what Jared is doing right now is exactly why they are such good friends. He knows him, he cares for him and he takes good care of him - all the time.

"Tell me, Jen," Jared prompts, unbelievably soft. It’s like a spell cast over Jensen and even though he can’t really see it, he knows, his friend looks at him with those irresistible puppy eyes.

"It’s stupid." He still doesn’t really want to tell Jared but he’s got him. Now it’s only a delay, not a matter of avoiding it, telling Jared what’s wrong.

"I’m sure it’s not. It’s bad enough to make you sad, Jen. At my birthday party of all places. Just tell me."

Jensen is grateful that it’s so dark because he feels his eyes stinging with treacherous liquid and he can’t even tell why this happens. He’s not prone to tears and is certainly no princess, even if he might be behaving like one at the moment. Maybe it’s Jared’s gentle voice. Or maybe the booze. _Blaming the booze is good_ , Jensen thinks, blinking the tears away.

"It’s just..." Jensen starts.

"What?"

"Your friends from school..."

Jared takes in a sharp breath. "Did they say something? Harass you, Jen?"

"No. God no. They’re cool."

The younger man seems relieved. "Then, what is it, Jen?"

"It’s stupid," Jensen repeats, "but um... they know you so much better than I do. And I umm," Jensen stammers. How can he tell his best friend that half an hour ago, he was doubting their friendship, just because he hasn't known him for quite as long as his old school friends? "How can you call me your best friend, Jay, when we’ve barely known each other, compared to how long you’ve known them? Compared to what you did together?"

"Woah. Stop it, Jen!" Jared calls, squeezing his hand gently. "You’re such a moron. Do you really think I’ve never wondered about the same thing when you talked about Chris or Steve?" Now Jensen is surprised because yeah, actually he didn’t expect Jared to wonder about things like this. "Do you really think it matters how long we know each other?"

"Yeah... No... I don’t know." He really isn’t sure what to think anymore. Jared and he, they clicked, in the first moment of their first meeting and ever since, they have been friends. So far, it has never mattered that they’ve only known each other for a few years.

"It doesn’t matter, Jen." Jared lets go of Jensen’s hand, his hand gliding up his bare arm softly. The touch tickles and leaves a pleasant warmth in Jensen, another reassurance he was looking for. "I never told you but you know what I did after we first met?"

Of course Jensen doesn’t know, so he just shakes his head, not sure if Jared can even see it in the darkness that swallows them.

"I called Megan. She was so excited for me, you know. And I told her something like _"It was great, Meg. Jensen and I, we’re going to be such good friends."_ Back then, I already knew it and what we have now, Jensen, is so much better." Jensen can hear the smile in Jared’s voice and he is sure, if he’d reach out and touch his friend’s face, he could dig his fingers into his friend’s dimples and feel the shape of his broad smile. "You’re right man, we didn’t grow up together, didn’t go to the same school but that doesn’t mean that what we have is any less precious than what I have with my old buddies. On the contrary, it’s so much better." His voice shifts into something different, something private, sounding more intimate. "I know who my best friend is, Jen. I know who I love." The last words are only whispered as Jared steps closer, enfolding Jensen in his arms.

It’s warm and tight and very much like Jared, the way he sometimes hugs Jensen after a hard day’s work but it’s also something else. Maybe it’s his breath ghosting over Jensen’s ear, or his hands gently brushing his back, which causes a pleasant shiver to run down Jensen’s spine. Or maybe it’s the way Jared moves his head, just a little bit, pressing his lips against his friend’s forehead.

They stay like this for a long time, pressed against each other from head to toe in a tight, more than friendly embrace. Something in their relationship shifts, growing stronger and deeper, and Jensen almost feels the air around them sparkling with a pleasant tension and expectation.

It doesn’t really surprise him but it still comes as a shock when Jared’s lips move downwards, gently dancing over his cheek, until they finally meet Jensen’s. They are warm and soft and as it happens, a firework of emotions explode in the older actor’s belly and he feels himself getting uncommonly wobbly legs while his heart suddenly beats heavily against his chest. It’s not even a great kiss; Jared’s breath tastes sour, of food and too much beer and Jensen is sure, his isn’t the freshest either. Besides, it’s still so dark that they don’t see much, their fingers feeling blindly for something other to hold on to than the other’s back, brushing over their bare arms and sides uncoordinated. Nevertheless, it feels good, this kiss, causing long missed feelings, shooting heat and euphoria through Jensen’s blood.

Deep down, Jensen knows that this is not a good idea, that only pain can come from it, but he pushes this thought away, feeling much too safe in Jared’s arms to think about anything bad. The only thing he actually can think of right now is that he wants, needs more of this, of Jared and his lips that kiss oh so tenderly and his body, tall and strong and such a pleasant weight against his own.

Sighing and whimpering, Jensen begs for more and Jared laughs, promising him more as his hand wanders down his side, gently pinching Jensen’s slightly chubby waist, brushing over Jensen’s growing dick. If the kiss was awesome, this simple touch is mind-blowing, shooting Jensen out to space, strengthening his yearning for Jared even more. His needy groan makes Jared laugh again and he kisses him again, harder, more passionate, while his eager hand hungrily rubs up and down Jensen’s crotch.

"Jay," Jensen moans into the kiss and the simple short form of his best friend’s name, tells said friend all he needs to know, that Jensen wants more and that this is one of the most erotic things that’s ever happened to him.

"Soon, Jen," Jared promises. "You go ahead. I follow you asap."

Once more, they crush their lips together, let their tongues dance and their lips tremble and then Jensen heads back to the house, almost stumbling over his own still weak feet. Only after a few yards, with Jared’s tall form now hidden in the darkness, does Jensen freeze to a halt, taking deep breaths, willing his throbbing dick and his beating heart down.

He’s so overwhelmed with his emotions, so concentrated on calming down enough to sneak upstairs into Jared’s bedroom undetected, that Jensen doesn’t notice the shadow hidden beneath the fir, smiling evilly, thanking the devil and all demons for what he’d just come to witness.

***

Quietly, Jensen shuts the door to Jared’s bedroom, pressing his back against the wood, listening to his harsh, still slightly aroused breathing and the sounds from downstairs. Someone sings "Happy Birthday" and it gives Jensen the nudge forward he has been waiting for, because he knows Jared returned to the house too, and sooner or later will come see him. Then, Jensen should be ready.

Now as Jensen is in the safe haven of Jared’s bedroom, he feels sort of nervous, sober again, though still slightly dizzy. He doesn’t blame the alcohol any longer, knows that it is because of what happened, because of the kiss.

The kiss. Dear Lord, Jared and he, they kissed. Jensen should freak out about kissing a man, most of all his best friend, shouldn’t he? But he doesn’t, not in the way someone might expect him to. Sure, Jensen is excited, feeling all giddy, like when he lost his virginity many years ago, but it’s great. If there’s still that tiny warning bell in his mind he heard before, Jensen ignores it once more, because it’s Jared and him, and what could possibly happen?

Almost tentatively, Jensen steps further into the room. It’s a little stuffy, the air conditioner not running, but instead of switching it on, Jensen opens the big windows, the nightly breeze blowing enough cool air into the room. His PJ - boxers and a tee - lies on the armchair where he put them earlier and Jensen actually wonders if he should change into them or just wait for Jared, lying naked on his bed, jerking off. It surely would be hot, but who knows, maybe Jared changed his mind already and Jensen really doesn’t want to embarrass himself and his best friend.

Without thinking about it any further, Jensen grabs the clothes and hurries over to Jared’s en suite bathroom.

Big, dark green, blown eyes in a flushed face with swollen, red lips look back at Jensen when he stares into the mirror and he turns on the faucet, letting ice cold water run over his warm hands and wrists before he spatters the water onto his face. It’s so cold that it hurts but it’s still a pleasant pain, soothing his heated skin, slowly but surely chasing the scarlet on his cheeks away.

Only when his face is back to normal, slightly tanned now in summer and the freckles more prominent than in other seasons, does Jensen strip off his clothes. Critically, he looks down at himself, letting his hand trail over his almost hairless torso. The few hairs that grow there are too light to be noticed and only the happy trail is more visible, leading over the bump his tummy grew into during hiatus. Wearing clothes, it’s not even noticeable that Jensen put on weight during the holidays, black, wider shirts hiding it well enough, but Jared will notice, and thinking about his younger friend’s muscled, well toned body, it makes Jensen slightly self-conscious. It’s stupid because in four or six weeks from now the flab will be gone anyways with their hard work and all the exercise but right now, it bothers Jensen.

His dick is limp again and he strokes his hand down the shaft, hoping that soon, it’ll be Jared’s hand that touches him.

The thought of having a shower, jerking off where Jared normally jerks off, thinking about him right there, is very promising but as Jensen steps into the stall, he forces his hands away from his member. Instead, he lets the lukewarm water run down his body, cooling him down a little more, making his head even clearer than before.

Rubbing the shower gel into his skin, Jensen washes the scent of smoke, food and booze away, loosening his hurting muscles, feeling the strain being washed away, too. Maybe his wit should come back, Jensen now realizing that anything other than kissing Jared is a really bad idea, but it doesn’t. What happens, happens and rational thoughts when it comes to things like that are useless.

The water is thundering down, almost drowning out all the voices but then Jensen hears Jared’s booming laughter, loud enough to penetrate the water jet and his heart makes a little somersault, hoping that Jared is on his way. Hurrying up, Jensen washes his hair and two minutes later he is out of the shower, toweling himself dry, slipping into his night ware. Once more his hand brushes over his tummy but then Jensen shrugs it off. It’s not that he can’t conjure it away with his touch and it’s not that he his big or anything, just a little chubby around the middle.

Now the only thing he has to do is brush his teeth and he does it long and carefully, enjoying how the taste of beer slowly is being chased away by that of mint.

When Jensen steps out of the bathroom, cool, fresh night air encasing him, he almost bumps into Jared, who has waited in front of the door.

"You smell like me," Jared notices, smiling goofily.

"I took a shower." Jensen states the obvious, because his hair is still wet and now that he is out of the bathroom he smells it himself, the scent of Jared’s shower gel clinging to him.

"I like it." Jared steps closer, vanquishing the distance that separates them from one another. "A lot." Jared wraps his arms around Jensen, pressing him against his chest. If Jensen had doubts that his friend might have changed his mind, these doubts are carried away with the way Jared holds him, tight but gentle, loving but also sort of possessive. "A lot," he whispers again.

Gently, Jared kisses the corner of Jensen’s mouth before he vanishes into the bathroom. "Wait for me."

**

Jensen waits. He climbs into Jared’s bed and snuggles into the pillows. It’s soft and comfortable but he can’t relax, feeling just too anxious thinking about what might happen next. Intently, Jensen listens to the voices downstairs and once in a while, he can even hear pieces of the chatter down there.

The longer Jensen listens, the more tired he gets and he feels himself gliding into the nothingness of sleep when Jared finally steps back into his bedroom, his hair as moist as Jensen’s, wearing nothing more than shorts. Countless times, Jensen has seen his best friend half-naked but today, the sight makes him covetous and from one moment to the next, Jensen is wide awake again.

"Hey." Jared smiles gently as he slips into bed with his friend.

"Hey," Jensen stammers, his throat suddenly dry as the Sahara desert. What is he, 15? But the sight of Jared, of miles of bronzed skin stretching over his sculpted body, is sort of breathtaking.

"You good?" Jared slides closer until their bodies are only a few inches apart.

Jensen can’t do anything else but nod, his eyes fixed on his friend’s tanned skin, the slight rise and fall of his chest almost hypnotic.

"Good." Jared reaches out, touching Jensen’s cheek gently. "You know, I wanted to do this," he catches the older man’s lips in a chaste kiss, just lips against lips, "for a long time."

"Really?" Jensen breathes out, overwhelmed because he had never expected his best friend longing for something like this, for someone like him.

"Yeah. And this," he lets his hand run down Jensen’s side, from neck and shoulder over ribcage to waist and groin, "even longer." He curls his hand around Jensen’s waist and his curious fingers sneak beneath the shirt, brushing the skin there.

Slowly, the hand moves forward, palming Jensen’s tummy. If Jared notices the flab, he doesn’t seem to mind, caressing this part of his body as gently as every other. It feels unbelievably good and Jensen closes his eyes, snuggling closer, a smile being charmed on his lips.

"You like this?" Jared asks quietly.

"Mmm." Jensen sighs in agreement.

"Me too." Jared flashes a broad grin to his friend. "But I think you’re wearing far too much. Let me take it off, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay." Going limp, Jensen lets Jared take off his shirt and the younger man presses little kisses on random spots on Jensen’s chest, nibbling and tasting his skin a little. Down and further down Jared goes, teasing his friend’s bellybutton, letting his fingers run through the fine hair that leads to Jensen’s family jewels. His movements are deliberate, almost like Jared is worshiping Jensen and it makes him feel cherished and loved. Never before in his life has someone touched Jensen this way and he whimpers in pure pleasure under every touch.

As his fingers reach the waistband of Jensen’s shorts, Jared hesitates for the first time this night. It’s like he knows that, if he goes further, if he touches Jensen down there and does all the things he wants to do, things will never be the same between them. No matter what will happen, this night will always be a part of their history. "You sure?"

For a while Jensen doesn’t answer. He listens to his own, excited heartbeat and already feels his dick twitching in anticipation. "Nah," Jensen admits. "Far from it. But... you know, just do it."

"Will we be fine?" Jared might have been tipsy when they first kissed but now he is reasonable enough, wondering about the consequences of their actions.

"Sure." Jensen smiles. "Always." He takes Jared’s right hand, kissing his palm where Jared had cut it to take his vow two years ago.

It’s enough for Jared. Smiling, he lifts the waistband of Jensen’s shorts, his hand creeping in, slowly feeling forward. Currents of pleasure run through Jensen’s body, each touch making him beg for more but even before Jared can touch the base of his cock, his hand is gone. Seeing his best friend’s disappointed pout, Jared laughs, tugging Jensen’s pants off. His freed, half-hard cock curls towards his belly and Jared carefully wraps his hands around it, just feels it growing in his palms.

Eventually though, Jensen’s blissful look and whimpers urge Jared to go further. He does what he likes to do with his own right hand, does what he always liked his girlfriends to do, rubbing, squeezing, kissing, licking.

He seems to do it right, Jensen’s moans getting louder as Jared increases his speed and Jensen, overwhelmed by the heat and lust that’s burning inside him, feels that he is close. Jensen shouts out his friend’s name as a warning but it’s too late, his semen spurting into Jared’s heated face, load after load.

"Gross," Jared murmurs, but he smiles, licking Jensen’s cum away from his lips.

Jensen breathes heavily and Jared crawls closer again, stealing his friend’s last breath as he claims his lips in a wet, possessive kiss. It’s hard and hot, different than before, full of lust and hunger and as Jensen licks his own cum away from the corner of his friend’s and lover’s mouth, it makes him even more passionate. "Mmmm," he moans into the kiss. "More."

"More? You want more?" Jared’s voice shifts into a more sensual tone. "You sure?"

"God yeah, Jay." Jensen kisses him as hard as Jared kissed him. "I’m sure." Now that Jensen took a liking to his best friend jerking him off, he wants more, so much more, actually everything Jared can give.

Satisfied with himself, Jared grins broadly, rolling over to the edge of his bed where he opens his nightstand, throwing a package of condoms and some lube onto the mattress after rummaging there a little.

"You prepared?" Jensen can’t keep the surprise out of his voice.

"You wish." He grins, but then he whispers, "You know, Sandy and I... she loved to try things out." He winks, tearing the condom open.

Jensen scrunches his face because no, he doesn’t want to hear about Jared’s and Sandy’s fucking methods, especially when he is just a few heartbeats away from finding out about Jared’s and Jensen’s fucking methods.

Laughter booms from downstairs and suddenly Jensen remembers something he has almost forgotten, when and most of all, where he is. "Do we have to lock the room, Jay? Have to be quiet?" Another shout of laughter almost drowns out his quiet voice.

"Nah." Jared shakes his head. "Don’t worry. They’re too far gone. Gave them a few bottles of my best liquor and told them I was going to bed. They won’t come upstairs for a while. And they won’t hear us.

"Sure?"

"Promise. And now," Jared catches Jensen’s lips in another kiss, "quit worrying. Let me do something good," he breathes the last word out, kissing Jensen once more, "to you."

Jensen doesn’t argue any longer. What could possibly happen? "Sounds good." He laughs and grabs the lube, putting a bit on his fingers to prepare his friend’s already condom clad cock.

He had never done this before, touching another man’s cock. It should be weird, but it feels good, totally different in one way but familiar in the other and Jared’s dick is a warm, heavy and most of all big presence in his hand. Gently, he rubs the liquid into the latex, Jared’s moans sounding pleasantly in his ear.

"You done this before?" Jensen asks once he is done, Jared taking the lube himself, covering his fingers with it.

"Nah, but like I said. Sandy loved to experiment. And now," Jared grins, teasingly biting into Jensen’s ear lobe, "shut the fuck up and let me fuck you."

He knows what to do and even though Jared has never done it before, he does it without hesitation, his fingers stroking over Jensen’s tight ring of muscle. Jensen takes in a sharp breath of surprise as heat runs through him, this touch alone enough to let him melt. But it’s just the beginning, because a few moments later, his friend’s index finger slowly and carefully penetrates him. It’s a weird feeling, the knowledge that Jared’s finger is in his ass, and it burns a little, but it’s pleasant, making him all giddy, not uncomfortable.

Jensen hears himself moan and he hopes it isn’t too loud to be overheard downstairs and Jared’s finger glides further into his body, stroking over the hot, moist flesh, feeling forward to the spot Jared knows will take Jensen over the moon.

It happens just a few seconds later, when Jared finally finds the bundle of nerves he was looking for and Jensen moans more lustfully than ever before. It’s unbelievable, this feeling, Jared stroking the spot, pressing it softly, again and again, until Jensen is nothing more than a begging, drooling mess, hoping that this never ends.

Unluckily, it ends much too soon because eventually, the finger is gone and he feels Jared preparing him further, working with two fingers now, widening his hole for his much bigger, longer cock. With every touch, more heat runs through Jensen’s body and it feels like much more than just his entrance burns. Every stroke, every push increases it and Jensen closes his eyes, fully concentrating on what happens to his body, his hand blindly feeling for some part of Jared, clawing into his still damp mane, tangling with his hair.

"Yeah, you like this, don’t you," Jared whispers, licking the inside of Jensen’s thighs, seeing the older man’s cock grow with every touch. It’s unbelievably hot, the way Jensen lies there on his bed, eyes closed, all naked, skin flushed and sweaty, whimpering, begging for release. Jared could watch his friend like this forever, but he doesn’t, guiding his erect cock to Jensen’s hole instead, carefully thrusting forward.

There’s a sharp, hurting gasp, Jensen scrunching his eyes shut even harder and Jared can’t blame his friend. He knows he is a big boy and it’s damn tight in there, moving forward a real fight. He wonders if he should have prepared Jensen better but now it’s too late anyways. "You hurting?"

Jensen shakes his head. "Nah. It’s good. Just... unusual. Don’t you dare to stop!"

Jared can’t hide a little chuckle, slowly burying himself deeper into Jensen’s body, slowly retreating a little, before he does it again, back and forth, in a steady rhythm, both their moans their metronome. His hands now glide over Jensen’s body and they come to rest on Jensen’s waist.

It might be sappy, but Jensen wants this night to end like it started, with them holding hands, so he takes his right hand away from Jared’s soft hair and twines his fingers with Jared’s. His eyes still closed, he can’t see that his friend is smiling when he does this, but he feels the squeeze and the gentle but still strong hold of the younger man’s hand.

Then it’s over, Jared coming with a moan and a shudder, Jensen’s own load being released just moments later. For a little while, Jared stays just like he is, buried inside his best friend, breathing hard, his one hand clinging onto Jensen’s, the other one pressed against his waist. He’s hot and sweaty and the cool breeze that whistles through the still open window is not enough to cool Jared off.

Jensen’s eyes are still closed but his face seems slightly lost in reverie, simply because he is. What happened between them was mind blowing and the feelings bubbling inside the older man are overwhelming and impossible to express in something as mundane as words. Breathing in and out, in and out, he is grateful that Jared is still holding his hand, anchoring him, making him remember where he is.

"Jen? You good?" Concern seeps from Jared’s question and it takes Jensen back. Opening his eyes, he blinks a few times to get used to the light in the bedroom, even though it is dim.

"Yeah." He sounds weak, tired and exhausted and as Jensen listens closer to his own body, he notices he is. It’s the dead of night and all he suddenly wants is sleep, snuggled close to Jared, holding him and being held by him. "That was just. Wow."

"Yeah. Wow," Jared repeats. He doesn’t say anything else, just kisses Jensen gently, separating their last connection as he gets up and heads to the bathroom.

Jensen hears water running into the sink and Jared rummaging around and not even a minute later he returns with a wet washcloth and a fresh towel, gently wiping the almost dried cum from Jensen’s belly, pinching the flab there before he dries the skin with the towel.

Carelessly, he throws both towel and washcloth onto the floor, making himself comfortable on the bed, doing exactly what Jensen wished for, snuggling close. It feels good, just being wrapped in Jared’s arms, his forehead pressed against Jared’s strong chest, feeling his heart beating against his fingers.

"Now let’s just go to sleep, Jen," Jared whispers, massaging Jensen’s scalp, kissing his temple.

"Mmm." Jensen sighs, feeling safer and better than he has for a long time. "Thank you, Jay," he murmurs tiredly.

"What for, Jen? There’s nothing you need to thank me for."

Jensen smiles against his friend’s chest. "It is. You make me feel loved."

"You’re loved, Jen. You are."

It’s the last thing Jensen hears before he’s enfolded in sleep’s arms, holding him as tightly as Jared.

***

Jensen loves his sleep, so normally, waking up is not exactly his favorite part of the day but there are exceptions to every habit and waking up snuggled against Jared is definitely one of them. His best friend’s arm is still looped around his body and Jared’s breath blows soft little puffs against Jensen’s neck, leaving a warm spot there.

Yawning, Jensen stretches himself, feeling how sore he is, a physical reminder of what Jared did to him last night. Not wanting to wake his friend, he carefully turns around, watching the younger man sleep. It must be broad daylight outside, but there is not much to be seen of it in Jared’s bedroom and Jensen can only recognize vague outlines, like Jared’s prominent nose or the shape of his shoulder. Sleeping peacefully like this, Jared looks so young, almost innocent. Jensen knows his friend is far from it, what happened between them last night just further confirmation of the fact, but sleeping, he looks almost vulnerable and the sight touches Jensen deep within, tightening his chest painfully.

He reaches out, gently brushing his fingers over Jared’s hand. It moves a little and when Jensen stops his motion and lets his fingers rest upon Jared’s, the younger man curls his around Jensen’s, mumbling something inaudible in his sleep.

For a long, long time, Jensen can’t take his eyes away from their twined hands and something burns inside him that he hasn’t felt for a very long time; love.

He doesn’t dare to hope but maybe Jared is the one he has been looking for all his life?

He knows it’s far-fetched but it’s a nice thought and he falls asleep again with a smile on his lips.

**

When Jared wakes him up, minutes or hours later, whispering "Wake up, sleepyhead" into his ear, kissing his lips gently, their fingers are still twined.

"Morning," Jensen murmurs, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

Smiling, Jared watches him. "Morning yourself. You good? Sleep well?"

"A little sore," Jensen admits, blushing a little, glad that Jared probably can’t see it in the dim light. "But other than that, very good, Jay."

"Me too." Gently, Jared touches Jensen’s cheek, brushing his fingers over it. It’s such a loving gesture that Jensen feels tears stinging in his eyes and he’s thankful that Jared can’t see them because Jensen is sure that Jared has seen enough of the Princess living inside him. After a while, his fingers glide down, curling around Jensen’s waist again.

"You really don’t mind, huh," Jensen wonders aloud, without intending to.

"Huh? What?"

Jensen shrugs. "Touching me there. The fat."

If it would have been brighter, Jensen could have seen his best friend’s shocked expression. "You’re not fat, Jen," Jared assures him. "No one notices, no one cares."

"I do," Jensen says self-consciously. He hates himself for even bringing it up, his stupid issues, weight and talent, always underestimating himself, not seeing what he is and what he can do.

"Yeah, I know you do," Jared answers, stroking his skin. "You shouldn’t. There’s no reason for having these issues, Jen. You’re talented, so good at what you do. Handsome and certainly not fat. Most of all, Jensen, you’re likable and sweet and kind. Nothing’s wrong with you. Just believe me." Jared adds like he could see his friend’s skeptical frown. "Please believe me."

Jensen does. If someone like Jared, who has a heart as big as China, thinks this highly of him, he must believe it. "I do."

"Good." Tugging him closer, Jared holds Jensen tight, kissing whatever spot of skin his lips can reach. That’s how they fall asleep again.

**

They wake up because someone’s banging against Jared’s door. "JT?" A voice Jensen doesn’t recognize sounds through the door. "You awake?"

Jared groans unhappily, looking like someone killed his dog. "Now I am, asshole," he yawns.

"We were just wondering if you and Jensen would like to join us for a very late breakfast."

"Very late,"Jensen cuts in dryly, because a look at Jared’s alarm clock tells him it’s almost 4 pm.

"You want to?" Jared asks quietly, so that whoever is standing in front of the door doesn’t hear it.

"Not really," Jensen whispers back.

"Yeah, me neither. I’m hungry but... I think we need to talk a little?"

Jensen knew it would happen, the dreaded "after sex" talk. It’s so cliché but like he knew it’d happen, Jensen knows they need it. They will be good, no doubt about it, but what happened is huge and Jared and he, they’re just like this. Talking when others stay silent.

"JT?" The friend in front of the door calls again.

"Yeah, sorry Matt. We’re beat. Will join you later, okay?"

"Sure. Okay." They can hear Matt leaving, shuffling over the carpeted floor and down the stairs.

*

"You want to talk?" Jensen asks when he returns from the bathroom.

"I don’t want to," Jared admits and this alone is enough for Jensen to confirm his bad feeling that this is going to be an anything but happy chat. "But we need to."

Jensen sighs, crawling back into bed, snuggling into the pillows. "Yeah, I know we do. And I think I know what you want to say."

The younger man looks sad. "Last night was wonderful." He takes Jensen’s hand, holding it gently. "But..."

"We can’t do it again," Jensen states in Jared’s stead, wanting to spare him the pain of saying it himself.

He nods. "Yeah. It’s just too big, too much, even for us. We can never deny that there is something between us, Jen, something really deep and special," he squeezes Jensen’s hand, "but with how things are, us being male actors, co-stars, the best of friends, we just can’t."

Jensen nods. He isn’t surprised, he knew it would go down like this, but nevertheless, Jensen feels disappointment, sadness and loss washing over him. Deep down, in that place that just belongs to him, that no one knows of, Jensen’s severe pain tears him apart. "Will we be good, Jay? I don’t want something as special as this, something so good, to be the reason for... problems between us." Now, as the euphoria of what happened between them cooled down, the roles are reversed. Now, it’s Jensen who needs some reassurance, the knowledge that things between Jared and him won’t be awkward, that something that brought them so close together won’t tear them apart.

"Oh Jen." Jared’s arm sneaks around him, pulling him towards his chest. "Sure we are good. We always will be good. Nothing changed, Jen. We’re still the best of friends and will always share this memory."

Burying his head in his friend’s chest, Jensen murmurs some sort of agreement, glad that Jared can’t see the lie in his eyes. For Jensen, everything has changed.

Last night, he fell in love and he knows it will never be returned in the way he dreams of.

His heart is breaking and he holds onto the man who does this to him, hoping, praying that at least, Jared will always be his friend.

## Chapter Two - February 2009

"That’s a wrap!" the director of this week’s episode calls. "Well done, guys. Good night!"

Heading towards his director’s chair, Jensen takes a big gulp of the cool water a PA hands him, checking his cell once he satisfied his thirst. It’s earlier than he expected, not even 9 pm yet. Time enough to return his momma’s call, have a long, hot bath and lounge on the sofa, maybe play some PS2 with Jared or finish the book he’s been reading for what seems like a century.

"Hey". Said co-star and room-mate claps Jensen’s shoulder, smiling broadly. "Good day, huh? How about we celebrate it?"

It’s not what Jensen wants, going out with Jared. He’d much rather spend the time with his best buddy in their living-room, but ever since Jared started dating Genevieve a while ago, quality time between the two of them is rare and Jensen isn’t picky, takes what he can get.

"Yeah. Sure." Jensen plasters a smile on his face that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but Jared doesn’t notice, smiling just as broadly but much more sincerely.

"Awesome. I’ll pay."

***

Freshly showered, both actors are sitting in the back of the network’s car, Clif driving them over to a little Italian restaurant. It’s not that far away from where they live and they can walk home after dinner, something both men don’t mind.

After the hot shower Jensen had, he feels more tired than earlier, his muscles hurting after the exhausting day. Not having a share in the conversation with Clif and Jared, he watches the latter from the corner of his eye, glad that Jared is too occupied to notice, babbling like a waterfall.

Luckily, Jared has been right; they were good after their one night together, their friendship just too strong to be harmed by something like that. In a way, it has brought the men even closer, them having shared something so intimate, a night of love and lust they both remember once in a while, even though they’ve never mentioned it again.

Nevertheless, the past months have been hard for Jensen. His feelings for Jared didn’t magically go away and seeing him falling for Genevieve was one of the hardest experiences ever. Not only seeing that it was someone else, not him, who put that special smile onto Jared’s face, but learning to share his best friend with her.

First, Genevieve’s presence in their place felt wrong, her being an unwelcome guest Jensen wanted to squash like a cockroach. After a while though, when she joined them more often, it was Jensen who felt like an intruder, retreating more and more often to his room and into a shell he has never worn in Jared’s presence before. Jensen isn’t even sure if Jared noticed or not, him seeing things through rose-colored glasses, and he knows, he should go looking for a place of his own, but he doesn’t really want to, scared that he might lose Jared if he does.

Lost in his thoughts, time passes quickly and soon Clif parks in front of the restaurant, wishing them a good night.

**

The food and wine are tasty and there’s easy chatter and banter between them. It should make Jensen happy, because nothing really changed between them, but it doesn’t, makes him melancholic instead.

"Jen? You good?" Jared asks worriedly after watching his friend brood for a while. "You look spooked."

"Yeah. Sure. Sorry," he stammers but then he decides to tell Jared what’s going on in his mind. If he starts keeping secrets, other than the one Jensen just can’t tell Jared, they’re lost. "It’s just… it’s nice, being here with you. We haven’t done something like this for a while and I um," he feels heat rising in his cheeks, "miss it."

Jared looks guilty and he sounds genuine when he says, "I’m sorry, Jen. I never wanted to make you feel bad or like the odd man out. But, you know how it is, when you fall in love. You want to spend as much time with them as possible."

_Yeah I know. That’s why I want to spend as much time as possible with you_ , Jensen thinks and nods, not daring to look at his friend, scared that his look might betray him.

"I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend, man. I’ll make it up to you."

Jensen brushes it away. "Never mind, Jay. I understand." He tries to hide his feelings, emptying his glass of Chianti. "It’s not important."

The younger man throws a punishing look at him. "Sure it is. It’s you and me and our friendship. One of the most important things in my life, Jen. I don’t want to risk what we have."

"You’re not, Jay." Jensen forces himself to smile. "We’re good."

*

They’re halfway through their dessert when Jared tells him excitedly, "Hey, did I tell you that I hired Ben as my new agent?"

At first, Jensen doesn’t know who his friend is talking about. "Ben?"

"My buddy Ben. You met him at my birthday."

Then Jensen remembers the weird guy whose strange looks made him so uncomfortable and he frowns, not sure what to say. It’s funny with them, because, no matter how close they are, they rarely talk about business, about money, projects, agents and PR. It’s not exactly taboo between them but just something they have different opinions about and although they don’t have to agree on everything or have to be on the same side all the time to be friends, they sort of have this unspoken agreement to keep this part of their lives away from their friendship. "Yeah, sure, him," Jensen stammers after a while, not really sure what Jared expects him to say.

"You don’t think much about him, do you?" Fortunately, Jared doesn’t look upset or mad, just curious.

Jensen sighs. "I barely know him, Jay and it’s not my place to judge but honestly? I’m not sure if it was such a good idea."

Now Jared’s expression changes, his eyes piercing Jensen, his mouth a thin, severe line. "Why not? He’s my friend. I trust him."

"I’m sorry man, I don’t want to second guess your decision. It’s just, he’s inexperienced and I think, with your plans for the future, you need someone with better connections."

"He deserves a chance, Jen. Representing me is Ben’s chance, I just couldn’t say no when he asked me. And he has some good ideas for things I could do during hiatus, other than conventions."

"Good for you," Jensen says and he means it. Jared is far more ambitious than him and if his new agent has some creative ideas, that’s great. "I hope things work out for you, Jay."

"Yeah, thanks man," he says thoughtfully, still looking at Jensen, though now his face is soft and the glow in his eyes is warm again. "But that’s not everything, isn’t it? There’s something else."

Shaking his head, Jensen really doesn’t want to talk about his doubts. It’s not his business and besides, it’s just a stupid feeling. "It’s nothing."

"Come on, man," Jared encourages. "I really want to know your opinion."

"What good does it do, dude? You hired him and you won’t get rid of him because I ummm..."

"What?"

"Don’t really like him, Jay." Jensen scrunches his face in an apologetic gesture. "I’m sorry, I know he’s an old buddy and all your other friends were cool, but Ben…" He takes a breath, slowly letting it out while he forms his next sentence in his mind. "It’s just… he looked at us so weirdly… made me damn uncomfortable." Jensen shrugs. It’s hard to put the warning in his heart into words and he has to admit, he doesn’t know the guy and could easily be mistaken, the dim light having played tricks on him. "But good luck with Ben, really. I hope I’m wrong."

"Sure you are. He’s a good guy."

There’s an awkward silence, both concentrating hard on their dessert, but then Jensen thankfully can think about something completely different to tell his friend, and a couple of minutes later the atmosphere between the actors is as light as ever.

But when Jensen goes to bed some hours later, beat but happy, because over all, it had been an awesome night and the tight good night hug Jared gave him still tingles pleasantly in his body, Jensen can’t shake off this strange feeling of foreboding, wondering about Ben’s plans for his best friend.

***

It’s two weeks later, a sunny but cold Saturday morning, when Ben drives the first stake between the two men.mSitting at their kitchen table, nursing a mug of coffee, Jensen thumbs through the paper watching Jared from the corner of his eye as he prepares scrambled eggs for both of them. It’s a good start to the weekend, with Genevieve being home in Idaho and Jensen for once not feeling like an unwelcome guest but like the roommate he is.

"Anything interesting?" Jared looks at the paper as he hands his friend a big plate loaded with eggs and bacon that smells delicious.

"Just the usual catastrophes in the world, politics and economics. So yes and no." He smiles, but it’s a sad smile, with the world going more and more crazy whenever he opens the paper or turns on the news.

Jared nods. He isn’t stupid or uneducated but normally doesn’t read the paper, prefers to keep up to date watching TV or surfing the web, whenever his time allows. "Dig in." Jared changes the subject, starting to shuffle his own potion in as quickly as possible, taking big gulps of coffee every few bites to swallow it down.

"Listen Jen," Jared says halfway through his breakfast. "I don’t know how to bring it up but umm..." He blushes, looking guilty, even ashamed and Jensen doesn’t have a good feeling, quite the contrary.

"What’s going on, Jay?" He opts for a neutral tone, neither pissed nor bored or biased, but he can’t repress the slight tremble in his voice.

Nervously, Jared bites his lower lips, moves the food on his plate from left to right. "I um know that I said that you could stay here as long as you want to, but..."

It falls like scales from Jensen’s eyes. "You want me to move out." It’s weird, because it’s not that Jensen didn’t think about it himself, with the changes in Jared’s life, with Genevieve being around almost all the time, with him feeling not really welcome here when she looks at him all pouty lips and big eyes, but Jared suggesting it now hurts. Deeply.

Jared nods sadly. "We’ve had a great time, Jen. A time I’ll never forget but I think you should look for something of your own. Genevieve... she’s here so often and well, actually, she started to complain and Ben, he told me that the fans think we are more than room-mates. Stuff like this, it could damage both of our reputations."

"So," Jensen says and he doesn’t manage to keep the emotions out of his voice, "you’re doing this because your girlfriend and your new agent want you to?"

"Emm.... yeah. But, Ben’s right, Jen. His arguments are fair. Why should two grown up, well paid actors, one of them in a committed relationship, live together as room-mates? It’s just unusual. Suspicious. People might think..."

Jensen has heard enough. "They’re not wrong, Jared. Or did you forget your birthday party? I, for one, haven’t." Suddenly, the delicious food makes him sick and he pushes the plate away. "I’ll be gone in two hours, Jared. You don’t need to worry about your reputation." He sees Jared’s reply on his lips but he brushes it away with an impatient gesture. "Don’t you say that you’re sorry, Jared. It doesn’t help in the least." Disappointed, Jensen gets up, shoving the chair back under the table. "Just do me one favor. Grow up, Jared. Learn to make your own decisions. Do what _you_ want and not what other people tell you is best for you. They might be wrong."

Furiously, Jensen storms out of the kitchen and back into his room, slamming the door shut. He knows, he is the one who isn’t behaving like a grown up but he can’t change it. He is upset and angry, at Genevieve, that bitch, and at Ben, that ass and at Jared, for being such a stupid bastard. Most of all though, Jensen is angry at himself, for having fallen so deep that things like this trouble him while he shouldn’t care. Sure, they are friends and co-stars but they aren’t married and he should finally get that into his head. But the hurt is too deep and as he throws a good deal of his clothes into his suitcase and duffel bag, his eyes are blurred with tears.

He doesn’t unlock the door when Jared hammers against it, asking him to open it and he ignores his friend’s apologies and assurances that he can stay until he has found an apartment of his own.

*

When Jensen leaves one hour later, his eyes still red and his face swollen, he almost stumbles over Jared, who has been waiting in front of his door. The young man looks as if someone has beaten him when he sees his friend’s tear stained face and he is up in no time, touching Jensen’s shoulder.

Roughly, Jensen brushes his hand away. "Don’t touch me, Jared," he snarls, his eyes sparkling, feisty. "Don’t you dare say you’re sorry", Jensen repeats. "I don’t care. I wish you luck, Jared. With your precious girlfriend", his voice drips with venom as he spits the words out, "and your great new manager. Be happy."

Jared doesn’t say anything else, just watches Jensen leave and they both know, something happened that neither of them had ever thought would be possible. They lost a part of themselves and a part of their friendship and deep down Jensen knows; they will probably never get it back.

***

The first days after Jensen moved out are awkward as hell and everyone on set notices that something is off between the actors, who normally are bosom buddies. They don’t touch, barely talk and avoid each other’s eyes. At lunch break, Jensen ignores Jared, sitting at someone else’s table and the few times Jared actually tries to talk to him out of character, he simply turns around and goes away, not saying a word. Jensen knows, it’s immature and not something he can do for the rest of his life, but he’s still hurting and afraid that Jared might find out why he is hurting so much.

Jensen is so damn stubborn that he did not even give Jared his new address, him being lucky, having found an apartment quickly. He didn’t want to buy, least of all for such a high price, but he was fed up with living in a hotel room for much longer than necessary and other than the condo being expensive, it’s a nice place.

Now, three weeks after their fight, Jensen struggles with assembling his new bed when someone knocks on the door. At first, he ignores it, not really in the mood to get to know his neighbors right now, but when the person on the other side knocks again and again, Jensen gets up, just to get rid of that tedious noise.

Annoyed, Jensen pulls the door open only to slam it shut when he notices who’s standing in front of it. But Jared is much faster, slipping his foot into Jensen’s apartment, groaning in pain when the door bumps into his head.

"Fuck!" Jared cries in pain and while Jensen is still angry and upset with his friend, he never wanted to hurt him.

"Shit. I’m sorry man!" Jensen calls, opening the door to pull Jared in.

Face scrunched up in pain, Jared massages the spot where the door hit him but luckily, there is no blood.

Jensen guides Jared into his living-room, floor scattered with countless boxes, the couch laden with clothes and other stuff.

Carelessly, Jensen sweeps it onto the floor, making place for Jared to lie down. "I’m sorry, Jared," he apologizes again, awkwardly touching Jared’s hand to see what lies beneath but he isn’t surprised when his friend growls and brushes his hand away. "Let me get you some ice, okay?"

Luckily, his fridge has an ice maker and less than a minute later, Jensen is back with a plastic bag filled with ice and a clean towel. Gently, he takes Jared’s hand away from the swollen bump and presses the ice against it.

Uncomfortable silence stretches between them, neither of them sure what they could or should say.

"What are you doing here, Jared? How did you find out my address?"

"Brian told me." Brian is one of their cameramen, the guy who helped Jensen move in all his stuff. "Wanted to say sorry."

"I’ll kick Brian’s ass," growls Jensen. "And I don’t want you to say sorry," he grumbles. "It doesn’t change the fact that you more or less threw me out of a place that became my home. Doesn’t matter that I didn’t feel comfortable there with Genevieve being around."

"You didn’t?" Jared asks surprised. It’s just more proof for Jensen that his friend really didn’t notice much of what was going on around him, being all preoccupied with his new girlfriend.

"Yeah I didn’t. Sooner or later I’d have left anyways, Jared." The cold from the ice is seeping into his hand in spite of the towel and he takes his right hand away, slipping it under his thigh to warm it a little, taking the bag with his left hand instead. "But it hurt."

"Give me your hand," Jared prompts instead of offering any further apologies or explanation. "It won’t get warm but get crushed by that gigantic thigh of yours." He grins and Jensen knows it’s a peace offering, in Jared’s own way.

Sighing, Jensen reaches out his hand and Jared’s gigantic paws envelop it, rubbing it gently. It feels good, Jensen admits to himself, the way Jared massages the cold skin, circle after circle, deliberate and tender. Eventually, Jared lets go, the hand now slightly scarlet and warm again, and kisses it softly. "Better?"

Jensen knows, Jared doesn’t mean the hand, not really, but them. He pouts a little more, not wanting to forgive his friend right away. But thinking about it, he can’t be mad at him for much longer. Not when he knows Jared. When he knows that his friend, as goofy and lively and lovely as he is, has issues of his own, different than Jensen’s, but still there. Jared’s four years younger than him - Jensen sometimes seems to forget that - and when it comes to making decisions, Jared is much more insecure than the older man. He needs people he can turn to for advice and sometimes, he needs people to tell him what to do. And then it happens that he does something he himself doesn’t really want to. Jensen can’t blame Jared for his insecurity, not again, not any longer.

"Yeah, much better," Jensen says and he isn’t surprised when Jared smiles, pulling him into his arms.

"I’m sorry, Jen. I know I screwed up big time. Was an ass. Believe me that I still love you?"

He’s never said it before, not once, at least not like this, all serious, without a hint of teasing in it. It squashes Jensen’s heart, makes him happy and unbelievably sad at the same time. It’s what he always wanted to hear Jared say but he isn’t really sure if he can believe his friend. And even if Jensen can, he knows Jared will never love him like he loves him, still loves him, even after the past three weeks.

"Love you too, Jay." He pecks Jared’s cheek. "Sorry for being such a wuss."

Jared smiles, holding him tighter. "Nah, it’s okay. I understand. You had the right to be angry. I promise; I’ll never hurt you again."

Not even a year later Jared breaks his promise and all hell breaks loose.

## Chapter Three - November 2009

"Any plans for the weekend?" Jensen asks as he and Jared head towards their trailers.

"Yeah, actually I do." Jensen’s face falls. He has been hoping for some quality time with his best friend, but once again, Jared has other plans. "Flying down to LA. Haven’t seen Gen for two weeks. And more importantly, Ben wants to see me."

Jensen grumbles, like he always does when Jared’s agent is mentioned. He still doesn’t like the guy. Not that he knows him well, having only met him a handful of times, having only exchanged a couple of more or less unfriendly words with him, but this weird feeling is stronger than ever before and Ben’s calculating, sometimes even malicious expression gives Jensen the creeps.

"Sorry Jen." Jared looks at him with those big puppy eyes but then they lighten up, from having an idea. "Why don’t you come with me? We could party in LA. You haven’t been there for a while."

It’s true, Jensen avoids LA like the plague, even though a lot of his friends are down there. But he just doesn’t like being spotted by the paparazzi when he leaves or arrives in Vancouver and he has never been a good flier either, so that’s enough reason for Jensen to stay where he is. "True but I’d rather stay here."

Jared looks a little disappointed but he doesn’t argue. "Yeah. Okay. Then have a good weekend. See you on Monday."

He pulls Jensen into a quick, one armed hug and then he disappears into his trailer, only to leave it five minutes later, Clif rushing towards the airport.

***

"Jayman," Ben greets Jared, a broad smile plastered on his lips as he claps Jared’s shoulder. "Good to see you, dude. It’s been a while."

"Hey Ben." Jared smiles, not as broad but at least genuine. He doesn’t know why Ben is always so sleazy when they meet, them being old friends and it sort of bothers him but there isn’t much he can do. He’s his agent and Jared trusts him. "You of all people should know how busy I am."

"Yeah." He nods, sitting down on his massive leather office chair, asking Jared to do the same with a little gesture. "About that; I’ve got great news for you, Jared."

Jared’s eyes widen in surprise because he didn’t expect anything like this. He thought that this meeting would be about his contract for Season Six or maybe some convention plans but this doesn’t sound like any of that.

"Yeah, you can stare, baby," Ben laughs, "because I have the offer of the century for you!"

Unlocking a drawer, he takes a thin script out of it, throwing it onto the desk, laughing triumphantly.

" _Conan_?" Jared reads from upside down, sounding slightly surprised.

"Yeah JT, _Conan_ ! They want you," Ben points at him, "to play the role." He doesn’t hand over the script but several pieces of paper. "Here, sign them. One’s the contract for the movie, the other one the statement that you won’t continue to do _Supernatural_."

"Woah!" Jared cries. "Just wait a second. I won’t do this movie if it means that I can’t shoot Season Six."

Ben’s face changes a little, looking more serious. "Of course you’ll do the movie, Jared. Don’t be stupid here. It’s the chance of a lifetime. Much better than the stupid TV show," he spits out.

"It isn’t stupid," Jared grumbles. "Don’t talk about it like that."

"Five years on it are enough, Jared," Ben says matter-of-factly. "If you do more of it, sooner or later you’ll start moving backwards, not forward. And you have talent, boy. Talent! So," he takes a pen, pushing it into Jared’s hand, "sign the fucking contract."

"Enough Ben!" Jared jumps up, more furious than ever before. "I won’t sign anything here. Quite the contrary, I’m off." He heads towards the door but when he tries to open it, he finds it locked. "What the fuck, Ben?! Let me out!"

His agent looks cold now. "No. Just if you sign this contract."

"No!" Jared yells. "I can’t. I won’t. I simply don’t want to, Ben. _Supernatural_ is more than a stupid TV show! It’s family! People depend on me signing for the new season."

"Who cares?" Ben asks maliciously. "They will find some other job. And even if not, it’s not your problem."

Jared fumes. "I care!" He is almost close to tears now. "They’re my friends, Ben. And Jensen..."

The younger man cuts him off with a firm gesture. "Ah, Jensen. Yeah, something else I want to talk to you about." Ben looks evilly and Jared doesn’t like it. "Sit down again and listen to me. Very carefully," the agent adds when he sees Jared’s expression.

Jared sits down, because there is no way out of the room anyways, watching how Ben sits down, too, unlocking and opening another drawer. Smiling, like it’s the most natural thing in the world, he pulls out a gun, loading it, releasing the safety, pointing it towards his client.

Jared’s heart skips a beat. Staring, he feels panic rise in his chest.

This is no prop, this is real and it’s loaded to kill.

Ben smiles again. "Nice. Now you understand me." He grins diabolically. "You will sign the contract for _Conan_ . And you will sign the statement about not doing Season Six of that fucking show. Besides that, my dear Jared, you will cut all ties, and I repeat, _all ties_ , with Jensen Fucking Ackles. After the wrap party, you’re never to see him again, at least if you can avoid it."

Jared swallows hard. He feels dizzy, sick and more helpless than ever before. "I can’t," he stammers. "He’s my best friend, Ben." He feels tears stinging his eyes but he won’t cry, not in front of that bastard. Jared won’t give him the satisfaction.

"You can," Ben says dryly. "It’s easy. You just need to sign here," he points towards the contract with the gun, "and here," he points again, at the other document. "No protest!" he yells when Jared wants to open his mouth. "Maybe I have to get clearer here, Jared. So that even you dumbass can understand." He smiles falsely. "If you don’t sign those two pieces of paper, I will ruin your Jensen. Have a look at this." Pointing the gun towards Jared, Ben pushes the button on a remote control and the TV on the other side of the room starts running. It’s a night shot and there’s not much to be seen, but what Jared can hear is enough to turn his stomach a little more and if he was pale before, he is white like a ghost now.

"Yeah." Ben looks triumphantly. "I recorded all of your birthday fuck, Jared. So, let me be clear. If you don’t sign the documents, I will release this video. It will ruin your beloved Jensen."

"It will ruin me too," Jared throws in, saying it with more confidence than he actually feels.

"Nah, course not, JT. Do you think I’m stupid? I’ve already prepared a statement, about how Jensen seduced you and drugged you and forced you to join his perverted obsession." Gun still pointed at Jared like it were a pen, Ben pulls a sheet out of one of the drawers, sliding it over the table. It tells the ugliest lies, describing in detail what Jensen did to Jared, which alone is enough to ruin his best friend completely. Reading these words cause bile to rise in Jared’s throat and he has to fight hard to keep his lunch where it belongs, his sharp gasp being shut out by his lips, thinly pressed together. "Believe me, no one is going to believe him. And if you don’t cut ties with that guy, he will sooner or later die a most gruesome death, my friend." Ben smiles, playing with the gun. It’s the way he looks, all cold and empty, and the way his voice sounds, cruel, merciless and cutting, that makes Jared believe it. This is no joke. This guy means every word he says, would literally climb over corpses to achieve what he longs for.

Jared trembles in shock and fear. What can he do? How can he protect his best friend? He could try to overpower Ben, knock him out, and try to get a hold of the video. He’s much bigger and stronger than him, it should work.

"Oh and by the way." Another demonic grin. "Don’t you even think about knocking me out or going to the police or worst of all, telling your sweet boyfriend here. Believe me, it won’t work. I’m not the only one who’s watching you." Throwing his head back, Ben laughs maniacally, smacking half a dozen photos onto his desk. They show Jared and Jensen, strolling side by side through the park with their shoulders brushing, sitting together on the couch in Jared’s living-room and watching TV, hugging goodnight in the kitchen, and going grocery shopping, looking like an old, married couple. Jared’s heart sinks into his boots; these photos are private, intimate actually, taken in the last few months in places Jared and Jensen felt safe.

"How... When," Jared stammers in shock and surprise, not really expecting an answer and he doesn’t get one, apart from a cruel smirk.

"Now. Sign. The. Fucking. Contract."

Pointing the gun at Jared, Ben hands him the pen again. Everything inside Jared screams at him not to do it. He has an obligation towards the cast and crew of the show. He promised Jensen that he would do the show as long as the network wants to run it. Most of all though, Jensen is his best friend. How could he possibly cut ties with him? How could he give up on someone he loves from the bottom of his heart? But the gun is pointed at him, the stupid video is running in the background, the photos, proof that they’re being watched, are scattered over the table and Ben’s threatening Jensen’s life. There is no way out, at least not right now. Maybe when he’s back in Vancouver, he can tell Jensen and they can work on something together.

"Sign already!!" Ben screams, moving the gun close enough that Jared can see right into the barrel.

Hand shaking heavily, Jared signs, a tear dripping down on the paper.

He knows, he has signed the death sentence of the most wonderful and extraordinary friendship he’s ever had. It breaks his heart. And he knows, he will break Jensen’s and that’s even worse.

Ben’s malicious laughter booms through the room. He locks the gun away and calls his assistant. "Call the press, Mandy. Release the statement. Jared signed."

Jared feels miserable. But if he thinks it’s the worst day of his life, he’s mistaken. It’s just the beginning.

**

Still shaking with fury at Ben, but most of all at himself, for trusting that bastard, Jared drives his car back home. His eyes are blurred and he barely sees what’s going on on the street, almost running a red light before.

Realizing that he’s not in any condition to drive at the moment, his emotions in a tailspin, Jared drives his car into the first free parking space he can find. He’s in an area he’s never really been before, but he gets out anyways, locking his car, walking, breathing, cursing, trying hard to clear his head.

It doesn’t work. He betrayed his best friend. And even worse, he has to go so much further, abandoning Jensen, breaking ties with him. How could Jensen ever forgive him? Ever understand in the first place? How can Jared ever forgive himself? How can Jared let Jensen know that he’s doing it all for him - if Ben has unknown spies watching them.

Already a little paranoid, Jared turns around, taking in his surroundings. No one seems to be interested in him, people rushing by, eyes plastered on the street or on the shop windows.

Taking a deep breath to calm down, Jared moves on. Ben certainly didn’t hire people to spy on him all the time. When the actor passes a stationery shop, his eyes come to rest on a journal. It looks a little like John Winchester’s and that’s when an idea grows in Jared’s mind. If he can’t tell Jensen, if people are watching them interact, he can at least write it all down, hoping that maybe, one day, he can give the diary to Jensen.

Letting his eyes wander over the people on the street, just to make sure that really no one is watching him, Jared vanishes into the shop.

***

Lost in his novel, Jensen is sitting in his bed, warm comforter tugged around him, because it’s fucking cold, even though the heating is on. He rubs his eyes before he turns another page and barely has read half a dozen words when his cell rings, the ring tone announcing a call from his sister. Jensen frowns, especially as he checks the clock, noticing that it’s almost midnight. This can’t be anything good.

"Mac?" he answers, concern dripping from his voice. "Everything okay?"

_"I should ask you that, Jensen,"_ his sister says quietly.

The actor scrunches his face in confusion. "I’m good Mac. Why shouldn’t I be?"

_"So it isn’t true?"_ Mackenzie sounds relieved. _"Good. Didn’t believe it anyways, even though the internet is buzzing with the news."_

From one moment to the next, Jensen feels sick, a really bad feeling gnawing at him. "Mac?" He hears the insecurity in his own voice and it makes the actor feel even worse. "What are you talking about?"

_"Emm."_ Mackenzie hesitates for a moment. _"You haven’t heard?"_

"What, Mac?" Jensen is close to freaking out here because it can’t be anything good, his sister sounding all serious.

_"It’s all over the web, Jensen. It’s Jared."_ She takes in a deep breath, not sure how she can break the news gently.

Jensen trembles violently. "Is he..." He can’t put his biggest fear into words. "Did something happen to Jared, Mac?"

_"God no!"_ she cries. _"It isn’t anything like that. But still, not good news, Jensen. There’s a statement all over the internet. Jared’s leaving Supernatural."_

A knife stabs Jensen’s heart, slicing it into tiny little pieces, and it hurts, it hurts so damn much. He doesn’t want to believe it, wants to yell at his sister for lying to him, for making such crazy, horrible jokes but without even reading the statement, deep down, Jensen knows it’s true. Jared is going to leave the show. Jared broke his promise, the vow they made and sealed with blood.

Tears tickle his eyes and there’s no use wiping them away, they’re just too many of them to fight. They run over his cheeks and fall onto the comforter, that is not warm enough to chase away the cold in Jensen’s heart and the emptiness he feels at Jared’s betrayal.

_"Jen?"_ Mackenzie asks, sounding almost scared. _"You good? Is it... is it true?"_

He breathes hard. "It is." Saying it breaks Jensen’s heart.

_"I’m sorry, big bro."_ It’s said with so much love that the tears start to fall harder. _"Is there anything I can do for you?"_

Jensen sniffs. He’s not ashamed of his tears, not really. Mackenzie doesn’t know about their one night together but she knows how close Jared and he are and she understands what this statement means for Jensen and his friendship with Jared. "No hun, I’ll manage. Thanks. I think I should call Jared. I didn’t know... he didn’t tell me, Mac."

He says goodbye, disconnecting the call. Wet with tears, the cell in Jensen’s hand trembles.

He waits a couple of minutes, doesn’t want to call Jared with a teary voice, but it doesn’t help. The longer he waits, the worse it gets, him crying more violently than before as the betrayal of what Jared did and the consequences slowly sink in.

In the end, Jensen calls, even though he’s a sobbing, sniffing, pathetic mess. It goes straight to voicemail. "Why, Jay?" Nothing else, just this question. Jensen knows, Jared will never answer it but he has to ask anyways.

Turning off the cell, Jensen throws it against the wall with all his strength, sadness suddenly being replaced by anger and wrath. He watches it shatter in countless pieces, the biggest hitting the framed photo of Jared and him that is standing on the dresser, dragging it along. It shatters, like Jensen’s heart, like their friendship is going to shatter. How could it survive something like this? How could it stay alive, when Jared doesn’t care anymore?

Sobbing even harder, Jensen hugs one of his spare pillows to his chest, crying himself to sleep.

A nightmare haunts Jensen this night.

Compared to what he has to face in the coming months and years, it’s harmless. The real nightmare has only just begun and there is no waking from it.

## Chapter Four - March 2010

The last ever "That’s a wrap" still ringing in his ears, Jensen is sitting in his cold, dark and empty trailer, staring at some random spot on the wall. This is it, the end of _Supernatural_. Half a year ago, the actor never would have believed that it would come so soon. And even if he had known it, Jensen never would have believed that it would end like this - with him and Jared not talking any longer, their friendship dead, with not even a last word of goodbye.

A part of Jensen wants to cry so badly for the lost friendship but his sadness is beyond tears now. Four months of hurt have taught him that. Tears might give solace for a little while, but in the long run, they don’t change a thing. They don’t give him his friend back; don’t make Jared talk to him again.

Nevertheless, Jensen is longing for oblivion, drinking himself stupid like he has done on countless occasions in the past weeks or finding solace in "comfort food" as he calls the countless candy bars he devoured. But with booze or chocolate it’s like with tears; for a while, it makes him feel better, lighter, carefree, but the awakening is hard and in the end, the pain is still there, the numbness gone and the question "Why?" still is occupying all of Jensen’s mind.

Of course, Jensen knows Jared’s official statement, having read it again and again, twisting his brain about it, but it’s not enough. Not when they made a promise to do it until the very end, not when they were the best of friends.

The weird thing is, Jared hasn’t even tried to explain. On that Monday morning after the statement had been released, Jared was sitting in the makeup trailer, avoiding not only Jensen’s, but the whole crew’s eyes and every single question. He had plainly ignored them all, just doing his job, going home after the wrap. There’s been no banter, nor kind words, just nothing.

Since then, it has been like this every day. Not once, had Jared offered any sort of explanation, any sort of apology, had in any way acknowledged Jensen’s presence other than that of a guy he was working with. When the consequences of Jensen’s drinking and eating binges became visible, with Jensen putting on weight considerably, appearing on set delayed, his breath smelling like a distillery, Jared only frowned, shaking his head with a look of disbelief and disgust. This insensitivity, the fact that Jared simply didn’t give a shit any longer, would probably not even bat an eye if Jensen drank himself to death, hurt Jensen the most.

It still does. Jensen will never understand what happened, can never comprehend how a man, who had such a generous, big heart, turned into an emotionless monster, worse than anything Sam and Dean ever hunted.

Taking deep, audible breaths, Jensen fights for his composure, the too tight waistband of his jeans cutting painfully into the flab. It’s time for him to go, to close this chapter called _Supernatural_ , starting a new one, however it will be called. Unlike Jared, he doesn’t have any plans yet, is still looking for a new project. His agent has urged Jensen to do so but these past months, he has just been too drained, hurting too much to do something other than working and gorging and drinking himself stupid before falling asleep with nightmares haunting him.

He turns on the light. Maybe for just one last look at the trailer Jared and he spent so many happy hours in, maybe just to make sure that he really has packed everything. Even though Jensen knows he has, he checks every single cupboard in the trailer, starting in the kitchenette. When he opens the closet Jensen finds something he is quite sure wasn’t there when he packed his clothes in the morning.

Curiously, Jensen takes it out, recognizing it the moment the light shines on the cover. It’s his copy of _The Lord of the Rings._ Years ago, he lent it to Jared because he wanted to reread it and didn’t have his own copy. After Jared had finished it, he always forgot to give it back. Now Jared remembered.

The actor swallows hard, emotions he really doesn’t want to feel right now, preferably never again, washing over him. He remembers how they watched the movies together, one after the other, falling asleep curled up together under a blanket half way through _The Return of the King_. He remembers how he woke up during the last battle watching the end, crying, without even knowing why. And he remembers that Jared didn’t laugh at him but wordlessly handed him a hanky, promising that they were like the fellowship, eternally bound in friendship and love.

Now, that love is gone. Jared lied and betrayed him and the wound is so deep that Jensen doubts it will ever heal. He might be over dramatic here, but he had four months and nothing changed, with every day being as hard as the day before.

Sniffing, Jensen wants to pack the book away when he spots something between the pages. He tugs it out, only to see a photo of Jared and him he has never seen before. It makes Jensen smile, the way Jared’s hugging him, all tight, miles of arms wrapped around him like a python. Jared wrote something on the back: _It’s all for you, xxx._

Jensen doesn’t understand the message, like everything else Jared did recently. And while the urge to rip it into a thousand little pieces and throw it away is big, Jensen doesn’t. He puts it in his wallet, promising to never take it out. If that’s the last ever greeting of the best friend he ever had, Jensen wants to keep it.

Without looking back, Jensen turns off the light, stepping into the darkness that swallows him at once.

***

"What do you want?" Jared asks as he steps into Ben’s office, his eyes as cold as his voice.

"Oh Jared," Ben purrs, "you aren’t still mad at me, are you?" The man ignores Jared’s cutting look, chatting on casually. "That’s so immature, Jared. I just had your best interest in mind and look at you, now! The new movie star!"

Jared sighs. He’d have gladly given up everything, his job, his money, his life, for not having to look at Jensen’s miserable face, at his dull green eyes, at his bloated body. "Ben, just tell me what you want, okay? Sadie’s run away and I need to be on set in two hours."

"Sadie?" Ben feigns interest. "Your dog? Oh, I hope you find her soon. She’s very dear to you."

"Yeah." Jared nods sadly. Actually, his dogs are sort of his only friends at the moment. Everyone else, well, at least their mutual buddies, turned their back on Jared after what he did to Jensen. And rightly so, Jared admits to himself. He doesn’t deserve to have any friends. "So please Ben, if you don’t mind, what do you want?"

The agent smiles broadly. "Well, first I wanted to thank you, Jared. I know it wasn’t easy but you did really well, quitting that stupid show, cutting ties with Jensen."

Jared never wanted to hear a compliment less, but he nods nevertheless, knows how volatile Ben is.

"Of course," Ben adds, his voice sugar sweet, "you shouldn’t have sneaked into Ackles’ trailer on that last day. Why did you give him this book?"

Dumbstruck, Jared just stares. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing escapes, just a disbelieving gasp. How in god’s name can Ben know?

"Answer me!" Ben yells, banging his fist on the table.

"It was his. His copy of _Lord of the Rings,_ " Jared explains. "I wanted to give it back to him."

"How touching. That’s why you also gave him that gay photo of you?"

Jared turns pale. There’s no way Ben could know! He wrote the message in his car, hadn’t told anyone about it. "Jensen was my best friend. I kept my promise. Didn’t tell him a word. The photo is the least I could do."

Ben huffs annoyed. "Stupid sentimental fag," he scolds Jared. "Just. Never. Do. It. Again. Understand? Otherwise, the press will get this little video we chatted about." He smiles overly friendly.

"Something else?" Jared asks impatiently. He’s worried sick about Genevieve losing Sadie while walking her and he wants to drive through the neighborhood before he has to be on set, just to make sure that he does the little he can do.

"Of course. So, like I said, Jayman, you did really well with Jensen. But not quite well enough."

"What do you mean?"

"You know, I just don’t like him."

"Never would have guessed," Jared mutters under his breath but apart from throwing him a cold look, Ben ignores it.

"And you know, I’d hate him having success. I want you," he pokes Jared arm, "to be the successful Winchester, not Jensen Fucking Ackles. So my dear boy, you’ll ruin him."

Jared is sure, his heart skips one beat and he has misheard his agent because not even Ben, who easily could be awarded with the title "Biggest asshole of the Year" could demand something like this. "You want me to do what?!" Jared gasps, his heart now hammering heavily against his chest, sickness bubbling in his belly.

"Oh, Jared, you heard me very well. You have to ruin Jensen Ackles. Badmouth him. Tell lies. Whatever needs to be done so no one gives a damn about him anymore."

"I won’t!" Jared cries, jumping up from his chair. "You can’t demand this, Ben! I won’t do it! You might not want it, but the guy is my friend!"

"Friends come and go. And of course you’ll do it. You know... the video... And..." he moves his fingers along his throat, making a gurgling noise, grinning when he sees Jared’s scared look.

"You wouldn’t dare!" Jared gasps.

The younger man’s look is cold. "Don’t be so sure about that, JT. I’d dare a lot!"

"Why are you doing this, Ben?" Jared asks, tears burning in his eyes. "What did Jensen ever do to you?"

He ignores the last question, just looks evilly at Jared. "Because I can, Jared. Because I can."

Sickness has Jared within his grasp and fear is shaking him, but he won’t give in, not this time. What he already did to Jensen was bad enough, absolutely unforgivable. What Ben wants him to do now is so evil that Jared can’t even put it into words. He just can’t do it, can’t do something like that to any living being, least of all to Jensen, who he still loves. "I can’t." Jared shakes his head. "Kill me. Release the stupid video of all things but I won’t betray Jensen just like that. I won’t tell lies about my best friend."

Ben laughs, without any humor in it, but loud and cruelly. "Oh Jared, how noble you are. Want to die for your best buddy. Touching. Enough of this." Like four months ago, he opens the drawer and takes his gun out. "You’re in no position Jared, to choose what you want or don’t want to do. So you’ll do what you’re told."

"No!" Jared screams. He doesn’t feel like it, but he is an actor for god’s sake, and he knows, the way he towers above Ben, all muscle and with a face dark as the night, he looks terrifying.

For a moment, Ben frowns but then he laughs again, taking the headset and calling his assistant. "Bring her in."

"This, my friend, is what happens when you don’t follow instructions."

Ben’s voice is so full of hate that a cold shiver runs down Jared’s spine and a really bad feeling takes hold of him.

And then, everything happens too fast.

Through the closed door Jared already hears it, a familiar, beloved whine.

The door is opened, and Chloe, Ben’s new assistant, comes in with Sadie on a leash. She leaves, and the moment Sadie wuffs happily in greeting, wagging her tail, Ben pulls the trigger. The bullet hits her hind legs and even as Sadie whines painfully and Jared screams, Ben shoots, again and again, until Sadie is dead and her master and best friend is a sobbing mess on the floor, his pants soaked with her warm blood.

"Pathetic," Ben spits out, watching Jared cry. "Pathetic baby. So, this was a warning, Jared. You see, I very well mean it. I can kill. And I will kill. If you don’t do what I want you to do, Ackles is next. And don’t you think for a moment that I will show him as much mercy as your stupid mutt here."

Jared nods. What else could he do?

***

That night, Jared doesn’t sleep. Pathetic baby he might be, but he’s lying in his bed, hugging a pillow like a kid would hug his favorite cuddly toy, crying not only for Sadie and for what he has to do to Jensen, but that there’s no way out.

As soon as he had left Ben’s office, not even able to take Sadie with him, his clothes stiff with her dried blood, Jared agonized about a way out. But while he could think of really mundane ones - from telling Jensen to going to the police, in the end, he couldn’t do it. He underestimated Ben, Sadie’s cruel death having told Jared that. Without thinking twice Ben would release some other statement, meant to ruin Jensen or, even worse, he’d hurt him physically.

And, Jared had to admit, he was scared. His agent must have managed to infiltrate the _Supernatural_ set, otherwise he wouldn’t know about the book, and who knew where else he had people spying for him. He managed to kidnap Sadie, for God’s sake! There is no way out, at least not if Jared doesn’t want to risk Jensen’s life. And so, he has to do it. Has to ruin him.

Jared shudders.

He tries to convince himself that it is just another role, the role of Jared Padalecki, the asshole, that he doesn’t mean any of it. That he still loves Jensen, that he’s doing it all for him, to save his career and his life. It doesn’t help. It is cruel and the worst, the dirtiest thing he’s ever had to do. It is life, not a role. Even if Jared doesn’t mean it, everyone out there will believe it. Ben will make sure of it.

Shaking violently, Jared gets up and unlocks his nightstand drawer. The diary is exactly where he put it the night before, where he’s put it every night since he moved back to LA. No one knows about it. His handwriting is a mess and a few teardrops fall onto the thin paper as Jared writes out his thoughts and apologies, hoping that one day, Jensen will read them.

***

Bored, Jensen throws the script his agent sent him into the corner of his sofa, shaking his head in disbelief that she really wants him to be a part of shit like that. "Thanks, but no thanks," Jensen mutters under his breath, pouring himself a generous shot of Whiskey, drowning half of it with one deep gulp.

The bottle, only opened yesterday, is almost completely gone. Jensen doesn’t care. Doesn’t care that he is slowly turning into an alcoholic, that he put on almost fourty pounds and that his agent obviously thinks he is only worth D-class monster movies.

It’s early evening and his options are few, Steve and Jason are on tour, Chris is filming and all of his other friends are busy too. Unlike him, they have lives and jobs and girlfriends. Deep down, Jensen knows he is whining, behaving like the biggest wuss ever, but the end of _Supernatural_ , what Jared did to him, threw him into a dark, deep pit and there is no way out.

Not sure how he should kill his time, his mind too fuzzy to read some book, something he normally always enjoys, Jensen gets up, fetching his laptop. There’s always something funny to find on the internet and when he still was busy filming, he never had time for things like this.

Starting with world news, Jensen soon goes to watch some videos on YouTube and in the end, because he is moody and hopes to find gossip about real celebs, not losers like him, he clicks on e-online.

The moment the page is fully loaded and he reads the headline, Jensen regrets it at once. There’s a photo of his ex best friend, smiling all broadly and proudly, and a huge headline beneath it; " _The Truth about Supernatura_ l".

Jensen knows he shouldn’t read it but there is no way around it, anyways. Sooner or later, his agent will call him about it. God, sooner or later, his family and friends will call him about this, and he doesn’t want the same disaster like back in November.

With a heavy heart and a sick feeling in his belly, which, he is sure, comes from something other than the Whiskey and the greasy food he had, Jensen clicks on the link.

**Karen** : The fangirls called you and Jensen Ackles, Padackles. You always claimed to be the best of friends. So, we’re all eager to know if we’ll see more of you two in the future?

**JP** : We never were best friends. First, we liked each other just fine, but the more we got to know each other, the more we realized how different we are. Jensen is a cool enough guy but so full of issues. You know, we just said we were best buddies and acted on it because the fangirls seemed to like it. We were nothing other than co-stars, having good chemistry, being more or less friendly most of the time. So no, I doubt I’ll ever work with Jensen again.

**Karen** : Issues? Can you tell us more about that, Jared?

**JP** : I’m here to talk about myself, not my ex co-star but if it makes you happy... Jensen is a self-conscious person. And after a while, it just gets very boring and very frustrating to listen to a grown up man whine all the time. I mean, he doubted just everything. His looks. His talent. His public appearance. He had weight issues, and rightly so. Just look at him now, blown up like a balloon! It’s disgusting! And all he could do was whine about his issues instead of working on himself and improving his substandard acting. And he is so damn naive. He thought I loved him while I just laughed about him.

**Karen** : We all thought... But anyways, thanks for this insight into the real Jensen Ackles. So, now _Supernatural_ is done, what are your plans?

Jensen can’t read any further. His eyes are blurred, the keyboard already wet with thick drops of salty tears and he’s shuddering more heavily than ever before.

This can’t be real. This can’t be happening.

Jared would never say anything like this, would never slander their past and speak like this, full of malice, about such personal things, issues Jensen had only confided in him after long hours of hesitation. He’d never make jokes about his weight... He would never do this. No matter what had happened; Jared would never betray him like that.

But it’s real.

Jensen sees it in front of his eyes, black on white, photos of him and Karen, proof that the interview really happened, even a video linked to parts of the interview.

It is real. For whatever reason, Jared lies about them, badmouths Jensen.

"Why?!!" Jensen cries into the empty room.

Has it really just been Jensen’s naiveté, making him believe that Jared loved him while in reality, Jared was laughing about him all those years, hating him?

No no no, it was real... The hugs, the talks, the banter. That one night... It was real, it was friendship, it _was_ love.

He could never be mistaken about this, can he? No one is that good of an actor, not even Jared.

But the longer Jensen thinks about it, his eyes still fixed on the evil words without really reading them, the more he believes it.

Why should someone like Jared love someone like him?

It was all a lie.

Jensen should never have believed Jared, should never have trusted him.

He falls and falls.

# Part Two

## Chapter Five - May 2013

The broth’s steam is caressing Jensen’s cheek, the warmth seeping through the bowl and into his hands, but other than that, there is nothing good with this supper. The delicious, natural smell makes Jensen sick and the fresh vegetables Danneel cut for him in tiny little pieces look disgusting in his eyes. It’s certainly nothing he wants to eat.

"Jensen." Danneel sits down next to him on the small kitchen table. "Please honey, eat something."

"I can’t, Danni." The spoon in his bony hand trembles heavily. "I just can’t."

He can see that his friend is close to tears now. "Please, Jensen. Please don’t make me take you to the hospital again."

He doesn’t want to go to the hospital again either, because in the end, it will be all pain and tears for nothing, for being right back where he is right now, just one step away from death, one step away from starving, because he wants to.

"Please, honey," Danneel begs him again, gently stroking Jensen’s skinny arm. "I’m so scared for you, Jensen. I don’t want to lose you."

It’s not so much her words, but the way she says it, all desperate and sad and at wit’s end, that make Jensen finally eat the first spoon. When the broth hits Jensen tongue, when he forces himself to swallow it down, not for himself, but for his friend, he wants nothing else but to throw it up again at once.

But Jensen doesn’t. Instead he forces himself to eat another spoon. And another. It takes him a long time until it is finished, every little swallow a fight, because Jensen is scared that the liquid, fat and vegetable that the soup is made of, will make him even fatter and even uglier than he already is.

"Thank you," Danneel breathes out, taking the empty bowl away from him. It’s not much but more than in the past few days, where Jensen had close to nothing, because he just couldn’t bring himself to eat something. "Let’s watch some TV," Danneel suggests as she washes the bowl, not wanting to leave Jensen. And right she is, because chances are big that without her taking care and staying with him, Jensen will throw up his meager supper in the next few minutes.

She helps Jensen up, guiding him over to the living-area, gently pressing him into the old sofa. He doesn’t have any strength left in his body and every tiny step is a fight, tiring him, causing sweat to form on his forehead.

Jensen hates himself, what has become of him, a walking skeleton, all weak and pathetic. A part of him wants to fight, wants to be normal and healthy again but he just can’t. The sickness has him too hard in its grasp and there’s no way out.

"Jensen," Danneel hovers over him, "do you need anything?"

"Cold," Jensen stutters, his teeth chattering. He’s always cold these days, always freezing, because there is nothing to protect his bones, only the waxen, thin layer of skin stretched loosely over them.

"Better?" Gently, she spreads the old patchwork quilt over Jensen, making sure all of his skinny body is wrapped in.

"Little."

"Then come here," Danneel offers, sitting down closely next to him, drawing him into her arms

Tenderly, she strokes her hand over Jensen’s haggard cheek and over his dull, thin hair. He has lost so much hair because of the deficiency of nutrients in his body and no matter how many vitamins and minerals Danneel tries to give Jensen, it’s not enough. His teeth are in an even worse state, all damaged because of throwing up so many, many times when the little food he had became such a heavy burden.

Almost every day, Danneel is with Jensen, helping him whenever she can but today is not like most times.

Normally, Jensen doesn’t want Danneel to touch him. He says he is not worth it, being all fat and ugly.

Today, Danneel knows it’s because the end is near. They all know it, Jensen’s friends and family. He has given up and no matter how often they tell him that he should get the fuck over it, no matter how many therapy sessions he has and how often he has to go on force tube feeding, in the end, Jensen will starve himself to death and the day is very close.

"Danneel?"Jensen asks and there are tears in his eyes. "Can you hold me until it’s over?" It’s the first time he mentions death. "I don’t want to die alone."

She’s barely holding it together now, gently moving her hands over Jensen’s pale skin. "Do you really want to die, Jen?"

"Most of me is already dead, Danni." A tear runs down his haggard cheek. "It’s just my shell you’re holding now. There’s nothing life can give me any longer. Not when he is no part of it."

Danneel knows there is nothing she can do.

Ever since Jared betrayed Jensen’s trust and squashed him like a bug in front of the media, so that no one wanted to give him work, even if Jensen would have been able to work, it’s been steadily going down and down. While they all thought that Jensen sooner or later would get over it, realizing what an ass Jared was, it didn’t happen. Jensen believed Jared and his filthy words, thinking that he really was fat and untalented, naive and stupid and it has killed him. But nevertheless, Jensen hasn’t stopped loving Jared

Crying herself now, Danneel nods, kissing Jensen’s forehead. "I won’t let you die alone, honey. Promise. I’ll be there.

"Thank you," Jensen whispers. "You’re a good friend, Danni. In another life, I would have loved you so much."

"I know, Jensen," she sniffs, not wanting to talk about it any longer and finally changes the subject. "Anything you want to do? You want to see on TV?"

" _The Return of the King,"_ Jensen whispers.

If Danneel is surprised by his choice, she doesn’t say anything, just switches on the TV before she goes to fetch the DVD from the shelf. It’s some local news program but she doesn’t zap it away, knows that Jensen likes to watch stuff like this, actually almost everything that diverts him from his dark thoughts and sickness.

_"And now celeb news",_ the speaker announces. _"News just reached us that actor Jared Padalecki was severely hurt in a car accident this afternoon. His agent, Ben Newman, who was driving the car, was killed instantly. So far, not much is known about the circumstances of the accident or Padalecki’s state of health."_

"Oh God." Fear takes a hold of Jensen, squeezing all air and warmth out of his body, leaving him a shivering mess with eyes fixed on the screen, gasping desperately for air. Sickness overpowers the fear and he can’t do anything when his stomach turns, throwing up the little food he had, each retch hurting like hell in stomach and throat. Worse than the sickness though is the humiliation, soiling himself and the carpet, gasping and crying, a pathetic, shivering bundle of skin and bones.

Eventually, Jensen finds himself on the floor, kneeling in his own mess, not knowing how he got there when he was sitting on the couch, not having the strength to get up, his own body hurting and screaming, his heart hammering and his mind numb with fear.

He shouldn’t care, not having seen Jared for over three years, not having heard from him for just as long, his behavior having been the trigger for what he is now, but he still does. So much. It’s Jared, for god’s sake, and while it is stupid, while Jensen has all the right to hate Jared, he just can’t. He still loves him and he wants him to be happy and healthy, not dead, like he will be soon.

Only now does Jensen notice that Danneel is kneeling next to him, gently patting his back, combing her elegant fingers through his sparse hair, whispering sweet nothings and promises that everything will be fine.

"Let’s get you cleaned up, honey." She helps Jensen up, carrying more than guiding him to the bathroom. She runs him a bath, putting in the bath foam Jensen likes so much, smelling of nature and trees, and gently strips him off his clothes.

Even though she is with Jensen so often, she can’t hide her shocked face when she sees what the clothes normally hide, nothing but skin and bones, arms and thighs not thicker than those of a little boy. In a way, it’s a miracle that Jensen survived this long, the sickness pestering him for almost three years now.

Self-consciously, Jensen looks anywhere but at his friend’s face. "You shouldn’t have to do it, Danni," he whispers. "Shouldn’t have to nurse me."

"Shh, honey. I don’t mind." She tests the water, makes sure that it is neither too hot nor too cold, and helps Jensen in, washing his head with gentle, deft hands.

"I’m so scared for him, Danni, so scared." A shudder runs through Jensen’s body, the warmth from the water not able to chase the cold in his heart away.

"You shouldn’t care, Jensen," Danneel whispers, more to herself than to her friend. "Why do you care so much? Month after month, interview after interview, Jared humiliated you and you still care for that bastard?" Now she cries, so angry, so mad at the man who once was Jensen’s best friend.

"You love who you love, Danni."

Danneel is one of the few people on Earth who know about Jensen’s real feelings and how they developed in the first place but she doesn’t get why her friend still loves Jared so much, after all the younger man did to him. "He doesn’t deserve your love, honey", Danneel says matter-of-factly, now gently messaging Jensen’s skinny shoulders. She’s always scared that she might break the bones but she knows, Jensen likes it, relaxes when she does it, and he is in such horrible condition, that it’s one of the only things she can think about.

"Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t," Jensen explains thoughtfully. "But he has it, Danni. I just can’t switch it off. I’m so scared, so scared," he repeats, moving slightly back and forth, the foamy water making waves with each of his movements. "Can you please find out what’s going on? I need him to be fine, Danni. I just need to."

The way Jensen looks at her, all broken and desperate, is enough to make her promise it.

**

Jensen doesn’t sleep well that night. His body is aching and his mind is too preoccupied. He falls asleep, only to startle sooner or later, some weird nightmarish dream waking him up. Then, the memory of what happened with Jared comes back to Jensen at once and for a few moments, his own issues and problems, even his yearning for death, is gone.

In the early morning hours, Jensen finally gives up seeking rest when he knows he won’t find it. Dragging himself to the little room he used as an office when he still could work, Jensen switches on his laptop, surfing the web for news.

The celeb gossip sites are full with the story, Jared having been a huge star ever since his role in " _Conan_ ", but other than news about the circumstances of the accident, Jensen doesn’t find anything new. Everywhere, Jared’s condition is described as "severe", "worrying" or "hovering between life and death".

Not knowing how long he has been sitting there, staring at the laptop, trembling once more because he is so cold and so scared, Jensen only wakes up when he feels Danneel’s hand stroking over his shoulder. "Morning, honey."

"Morning Danni. Did you find something out?"

"Yeah, I did."

Hopeful, Jensen looks up to her, eyes big and pleading.

"I’ll tell you as soon as you have something to eat. And yeah," she adds, even before Jensen can protest, "I know, you can’t. But you have to, honey. Especially if you want to find out what happened to Jared."

Jensen nods. He has to eat something. "What’s this?" Jensen looks at the not so delicious mash in the bowl Danneel gives him.

"Just apple puree, hon. Remember how much you liked apples?"

"Yeah." Jensen remembers. His grandma’s apple pie or the Austrian recipe of apple strudel his mom sometimes made in autumn. Or a nicked apple, freshly picked from the tree. Nowadays, Jensen can’t bite into an apple any longer. The once so loved fruit makes him sick like every other food and besides, if he would, his bad teeth would fall out, some of them already loose. But now as Danneel mentions it, as Jensen remembers it, he misses it. The scent, the anticipation, the taste.

Closing his eyes, Jensen takes the first spoonful. He has to eat something. For Jared.

**

"What did you find out?" Jensen asks once he has finished his breakfast, washing the sweet-sour taste of apple away with a glass of water Danneel spiked with vitamins and minerals.

"Jared was in surgery almost the whole night." Danneel starts to explain with empathy in her voice. "He sustained multiple fractures, was bleeding internally and a part of his liver was hurt so badly that they had to remove it. They put him into an artificial coma, Jensen, but Jared is stable and chances are very good he will make it."

Hope flickers weakly inside Jensen. "Really?"

"Yeah, really, Jensen," Danneel promises, squeezing Jensen’s hand. "He’s a stubborn, strong bastard. He’ll be okay, honey."

Jensen smiles a little. He hasn’t smiled for a long time, having no reason for it, but this is good news, worth a little smile. "How did you find out?"

"His sister told me," Danneel admits and when Jensen eyes widen in surprise, she explains. "Mac is still in touch with Megan, from time to time. I knew and she gave me her number."

He always suspected that the two girls stayed in touch, no matter what happened between their brothers, and Jensen doesn’t mind, especially if it gives him information on Jared he otherwise never would have gotten so quickly and in such detail. "I’d like to see him, Danni."

"Honey," Danneel sighs, "I don’t think it’s such a good idea. Besides, I doubt they’ll let you in. He’s in the ICU, only close family is allowed in there. And just look at you, Jensen. You’re barely strong enough to walk to the bathroom, how will you manage?"

"You don’t understand, Danni. This may be my last chance ever to see him." Once again, Jensen’s eyes fill with tears. Jared was right; he is a pathetic wuss. But the chance, however small, of seeing Jared again, mixed with the news that it’s not looking so bad for him, makes Jensen quite emotional. "While Jared’s sleeping, he can’t push me away. And I need to do this, need to see him again. Please, Danni, ask Megan."

It’s the glimmer of hope in Jensen’s eyes that makes her make the call.

***

It’s one week after the accident when Megan calls Danneel to tell her that Jensen can come over, if he wants to. Jared is still in the ICU, still in the artificial coma, but definitely out of the woods and allowed other visitors than immediate family, as long as the family agrees.

And the Padalecki’s did agree. Megan was more than surprised when Danneel asked her if Jensen might come to visit, not understanding how her brother’s old friend could still have a bit of love for her brother in him, after what Jared did to Jensen. She didn’t have to think too hard about letting Jensen see him or not, especially because she always liked Jensen a lot and never really understood what made Jared say such evil things about him.

Silently, Danneel helps Jensen dress, all of his old clothes much too wide, combs his thin hair and helps him into the car.

Equally wordlessly, she drives him to the hospital. She still doesn’t like the idea, can’t really understand how Jensen can still love Jared so much, but it seems to be one of his last wishes, and if it helps Jensen to die more peacefully then it’s worth all her anger towards the younger man.

She finds a wheelchair in the underground parking, and while Jensen hates to sit in these things, even he understands that he’d never make it to the elevator and down the hall to Jared’s room in one piece, if he walked on his own weak legs.

"You okay, Jensen?"

It’s obvious he’s not. He’s damn nervous, biting his lower lip, playing with his bony fingers. He doesn’t know what to expect, what it will be like, facing Jared after three years, all silent, sleeping, not waking up. _Will he even know I’m here?_ Jensen wonders.

"You’ll be fine," Danneel promises when Jensen doesn’t answer her question. "I’m right here."

**

Shocked, Megan stares at the man Danneel pushes into the ICU waiting room in a wheelchair. Emaciated, only skin and bones, old and broken, he doesn’t bear any resemblance with the beautiful man who used to be his brother’s best friend. She knows it’s impolite, but she can’t take her eyes away from the skinny body. "Jensen?" she asks, still not really believing that this man is Jensen.

"Hey Megan," he says, looking away self-consciously.

"God, what happened to you?"

Danneel throws a punishing look at the younger woman. "Jensen’s sick."

"Is it cancer?" Megan asks, fear vibrating in her voice.

"No Megan, it’s not," Jensen says himself. "It’s.... It’s..." He can’t bring himself to say it. The reasonable part of his brain knows what he is suffering from, but so far, Jensen hasn’t been able to admit it to himself. How could it be a disorder when it’s all so true? When he _is_ fat and ugly, seeing himself like this whenever he looks in the mirror, hating his body?

"It’s an eating disorder, Megan," Danneel explains.

For a while, it’s quiet, Megan just looking at the sick man. "God," she breathes out eventually, when she understands. "He did this to you. How can you come visit my brother when he did this to you?"

"I did this to myself, Megan," Jensen admits flatly. "Jared just said what was true, what is true. And I want to see him because," he moistens his dry lips, swallowing hard, "I want to see him one last time. I want to say goodbye."

Her eyes widen in shock. "God Jensen... I’m sorry... I...You," she stammers.

"Don’t be, Megan. I’m fine with it," Jensen says, without any emotion in it. "I did this to myself. Please just let me see Jared."

Tears in her eyes, Megan nods. Without any other words, she leads Danneel and Jensen to Jared’s sickroom, pushing the wheelchair in once they are there. "Stay as long as you want, Jensen. Say goodbye."

**

For a long time, Jensen just looks at Jared. At the tubes leading to and from his body. At the pale skin. At the slight movement of the thin blanket whenever Jared inhales and exhales, the machine helping him with it.

It’s not that Jensen has never seen his old friend in the past three years, because you simply couldn’t miss Jared, being very successful and popular, making lots of money. But having Jared in front of him in living color again is something so different from seeing him on paper or TV. And not only because he is all quiet, almost like he’s dead. _Almost, like I will be soon_ , Jensen thinks, shuddering a little.

Only after a long time, does Jensen reach out his hand and touch Jared’s. He’s allowed to touch - Megan even encouraged him to do so.

It’s cool, like Jensen’s own, and even though Jared doesn’t curl his longer fingers around Jensen’s, like he did so often before they fell apart, it leaves the same feeling as back then; a little tingle in his fingers, running up his arm, a little love.

"Just wanted to say goodbye, Jay," he whispers and for the first time, Jensen cries because he is dying. "Be happy. I’m sorry that it couldn’t be me who made you happy. But please," he strokes his hand over Jared’s fingers, like Danneel is always doing when he feels worse than normal, "get well soon and live your life and your dreams."

He keeps on holding Jared’s hand for a while, drawing circles and other patterns into the skin but eventually, Jensen lets go. "I've never stopped loving you, Jay. Goodbye."

Eyes blurred with tears, tiny step after tiny step, the wheelchair abandoned, Jensen leaves with his head held high.

## Chapter Six - July 2013

"You okay, JT?" his sister asks, sitting down next to him on his hospital bed. Almost nine weeks after the accident, Jared is so much better, but he still hasn’t been released yet, the fractures in his leg needing another surgery, the wound from the thorax opening only slowly healing.

"Yeah. It’s just... I know it might sound like a weird question, after everything but um, have you heard anything from Jensen?" Just like Jensen, Jared suspects their sisters are still in touch with each other.

"Why do you care?" Megan asks, her voice uncommonly harsh and cutting. "He isn’t your friend, never was your friend."

Jared shrugs. With Ben being dead, he and Jensen are safe but nevertheless, he hasn’t told anyone the truth, not even his sister, who’s been awesome in the past weeks. "It’s probably nothing... It’s just, I dreamed of him, Megan. After the accident, more than once."

Curiously, the woman looks at her older brother. "What did you dream about?"

"He said goodbye."

Megan doesn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to tell Jared that Jensen came to visit him, least of all tell him about Jensen starving himself to death, but maybe she should, at least the first part. She sighs. "He came to visit you, JT. And he said goodbye."

Jared stares. Whatever he expected, it isn’t this. He doesn’t know what to say. What could he say when a man he ruined, he treated like shit, came to visit him while he was hovering between life and death. "I don’t know what to say."

"He doesn’t expect you to say anything, Jared. He just wanted to say goodbye, because he never could."

Suddenly, tears sting in Jared’s eyes. "What did I do?" he whispers, more to himself, than to his sister.

"I was wondering that myself, Jared," she says, once again a little colder. "Why did you say all those things about Jensen, Jared? He was your friend. And don’t deny it. I know my brother and I know when he loves someone. You loved Jensen. What the fuck happened?"

"I did it all to protect him." And finally, after over three years, he tells his story, from the beginning, when Ben forced him to sign the contract for " _Conan_ ", to the end, when they had another argument in the car, Ben crashing it because he didn’t bother to concentrate on the road but preferred to diss his client.

Megan doesn’t interrupt her brother once, just listens, with disbelief, though she knows, a story like this, so far-fetched, must be true, because it makes perfect sense.

When Jared is done, Megan doesn’t say anything for a long time, thinking about what she just heard, thinking about her brother and Jensen, how close they once were, and how they are now, both hurting, both broken.

"Meg? Do you hate me now?"

"You should tell Jensen, JT," she says instead of answering her brother’s question. How could she ever hate him anyways, her beloved big brother?

"I... I’m not sure I can... How can I ever look him in the eye?"

"You have to, Jared. Jensen is dying."

***

Leaning heavily on his crutches, Jared is standing in front of Jensen’s front door, his hands sweaty, his heart hammering. It’s a different house than the one Jensen owned in LA while they were still co-stars, in a respectable but nonetheless simpler neighborhood, smaller, with only a little yard surrounding it. Jared knows - it’s his doing, having ruined Jensen thoroughly, Ben telling him proudly more often than not that Jensen Ackles was too stupid to get a job.

Megan is waiting in the car, watching him, hoping like Jared that everything will go well. She didn’t tell him much about Jensen, just that he was very sick and waiting for death, and ever since Jared heard it, the cold, fear and nausea didn’t let go of him.

It wasn’t easy to smuggle him out of the hospital, but after thinking it through, after overcoming his shame for something like the greater good, Jared decided that he just had to go and try to see Jensen.

He rings the doorbell and for a long time, Jared doesn’t hear anything. Only when he already wants to turn around and limp back to Megan’s car, does he hear feet shuffling through the hallway and the door being opened. It’s Danneel.

"Get the fuck out of here," she whispers, her voice cold and cutting, even before Jared can finish the "Hi Danneel" on his lips.

"Please Danneel. I have to see Jensen. I.."

Once again, she cuts him off. "You Jared, have no right to be here. You lost the right to be here when you started telling lies, when you saw to Jensen not getting any roles, when you ruined him!" Danneel is furious, her eyes sparkling angrily. "So. Get. The. Fuck. Off. Jensen’s. Property!"

"I can explain, Danneel. I have to explain. I did it all for him!"

She wants to slam the door into his hated face but when Danneel hears this, she opens it wider, looking threatening for such a pretty woman. "How dare you?!" Danneel cries. "How dare you say something like that!? You killed him, Jared!!"

Jared feels as if punched into the facce, though it hurts much much worse than a real hit, vibrating through his whole body.

And then he hears it, weak but still so familiar.

"Danni? What’s going on here? What’s...?" Jensen doesn’t finish the sentence, staring at the unwelcome visitor, and when Jared looks over to where the voice came from, he stares too.

A man is leaning heavily against the wall, wearing sweatpants and a tee but it’s obvious that they hide an extremely skinny body, the arms sticking out of the tee not thicker than thin branches of a tree. The face is nothing more than a skull, with skin stretched over it, only thin, tousled tufts of hair growing on the head. This can’t be Jensen.

"What do you want here, Jared?" Jensen asks. Inside, there’s a thunderstorm of emotions stirring him, a mixture of joy and fear, of self-consciousness, doubt and of hope, but nevertheless, Jensen’s voice is neutral, weak but still strong.

"I... I... Oh my God... Jensen..." Scrunching his eyes, Jared shakes his head, hoping that the image of this walking skeleton goes away when he opens them again but once he does, Jensen is still there, still just one tiny step away from death.

"You always said he was fat and ugly, Jared," Danneel whispers. "Now you see the result."

"Danni." Jensen shakes his head, slowly coming closer. Obviously, every step is a fight for him. "Don’t blame him. I did it to myself. He couldn’t know."

"He should have known!" Danneel screams. "He was your best friend! He should have known that you’d take his words to your heart, Jen! That you’re sensitive enough to believe them."

Jared looks like Jensen has never seen him before. Still shocked, but there’s something else, more than guilt. He looks shattered, like Jensen looked when he read Jared’s first interview and all the others that came later, when he started to believe what Jared said.

It’s that looks that makes Jensen shake his head again. "Don’t Danni. He couldn’t know. How could he, when he was never my best friend? When it was just me, being all naive and stupid, thinking that my feelings were reciprocated?" Jensen’s voice is uncommonly cold, dripping with venom when he remembers Jared’s words.

"Jensen," Jared says pleadingly. "Please, it never was like that. I didn’t have a choice." Teardrops are sparkling in his eyes. "Please believe me."

"I doubt I can ever believe you again, Jared. There’s always a choice." He swallows heavily, his throat so dry, his mind so tired of everything. The part of Jensen that loves Jared still so much would love to be with him, sit down on his couch and listen to his story but the other part warns him not to do it. He isn’t strong enough for it and probably, Jared would tell him nothing but lies anyways. "Now please go, Jared. Go and be happy."

Tears burning in Jensen’s eyes, he slowly turns around, dragging himself back to his bedroom where he came from, not chancing another look at Jared.

"You heard him, Jared," Danneel says but she isn’t even sure if Jared heard her, staring at the spot where Jensen stood, his features a mask of pure self-hate. "Please, Jared. Just go. And never come back."

He shudders, nodding once. "Danneel, if you love him, please make sure that Jensen gets and reads this." Jared opens the little bag, pulling a thick journal out of it, bound in black leather. "Then Jensen will understand. I really did it all for him."

Without another word, Jared turns around, limping down the two stairs that lead to Jensen’s front door. The door is almost closed when he looks back again. "Call me if he needs something, Danneel. Anything."

The door closes. It feels strangely final.

***

Curled into himself, Jensen hides under the blanket, his weak body shaking with sobs. He can’t tell what was worse. Seeing Jared’s shocked face or listening to his foul lies and excuses. Both hurt Jensen deeply and the hurting part wishes that Jared hadn’t come. The loving part of Jensen, still there and strong, is thankful that he could see him again.

"Honey?" Danneel’s hand is a pleasant weight against his head, the warmth of her hand even seeping through the feather comforter. "Jared left something for you."

"I don’t want it. Don’t want anything from him."

Carefully, Danneel lifts the cover, looking into teary green eyes. "I know, hon. But maybe, you should take it. You know, I’m the last person who loves Jared but he said it’s important, would tell you the truth."

"What is it?" Jensen asks tiredly, not showing any of the curiosity that already has awoken in Danneel when she looked at the journal more closely.

"It’s some sort of journal, Jensen. I think... it might be Jared’s diary."

For a long time, Jensen doesn’t say or do anything. He just stares at the floor, at the soft carpet covering the wooden panels, torturing his mind if he even wants to read it, if it really is Jared’s diary. "Let me see it," he asks eventually.

Without hesitation, Danneel gives it to him and Jensen opens the first page.

_To Jensen, from Jared_ , he reads. _I hope you can read this one day and learn the truth._

Almost reverently, Jensen brushes his fingers over the paper and sniffs it. It smells of paper, ink and so much of Jared. Proof enough for Jensen to realize that it isn’t a fake, that Jared wrote this, not just yesterday, but a while ago.

"It’s real."

"Yeah, I think so too. Do you want to read it, honey?"

Only now does Jensen notice that he’s trembling. "I... I don’t think I can, Danni. I don’t think I’m strong enough."

She smiles with understanding. "Do you want me to read it for you?"

Jensen hesitates, thinks it through. For a long, long time, he was obsessed with finding out why Jared did all these things. Now he holds the answer in his hands. But can he believe it? Trust it? What if the whole journal is another lie? "What if it’s another lie, Danni?"

She doesn’t want to take Jared’s side but actually, she doubts it is a fake. "I don’t think it is, Jensen. It seemed very important to him. And he looked genuine."

"He looked genuine in those interviews, Danneel."

"Jared is a good actor."

Jensen nods. Jared is. He could have made him believe anything. From the first day, he could have acted being his friend, instead of being his friend. Jared himself said that he did it. Torn with doubts and sadness, Jensen believed it too eventually. But deep down, in that place that only belongs to him, that still loves Jared, Jensen isn’t so sure. And it’s this part who just hopes that Jared is telling the truth in this journal and that he will find out what really happened.

"Please start reading, Danni."

Wordlessly, she crawls into the bed, joining Jensen under the blankets, just both their heads and arms sticking out of it.

_"November 21st, 2009,"_ Danneel starts reading, her voice quiet but strong.

"That’s the day Jared’s agent released the statement about Jared leaving _Supernatural,"_ Jensen remembers. How could he ever forget the day his nightmare started?

_"Today I had to betray the man who is my best friend to protect him. I feel like shit but I can’t think about a way out. I have to leave Jensen, hurt Jensen, betray his trust, our friendship and my promise, to make sure that he has the career he works so hard for every day. I doubt he can ever forgive me and even if he can, I can’t. How can I live with what I have to do? But Ben’s making me leave Jensen, threatening him and I can’t allow this."_

Attentively, Jensen listens to every word, to Jared’s thoughts on almost every day in the past years. Day by day, more of the truth comes out, word by word, Jensen understands. He was not the only one who suffered, was not the only one whose heart was breaking.

Jared hurt him to protect him and keep him safe. It really was all for him.

Jensen cries when Danneel finally reads the entry of the last day on set, how much Jared wanted to say goodbye properly, but didn’t dare to do it, because he was so scared that he’d do more harm than good. He sobs when he hears that Sadie had to die when Jared refused to badmouth him and the pain Jared describes is so palpable that it tightens Jensen’s chest, feeling sorry for Jared that he had to go through all this, had to make those horrible decisions.

When Danneel notices that it’s all too much for Jensen, she stops reading, wiping away Jensen’s tears, holding him tight. "You believe him." It’s not even a question, she just states the obvious and when Jensen looks at her questioningly, she nods. "Yeah, me too. It sounds so far-fetched, like it’s from a bad movie, and that’s exactly why I’m sure it’s true. He really did it all for you, honey. It was still wrong but Jared’s intentions were good."

"Yeah," Jensen says thoughtfully.

"I think he loved you, just as much as you loved him, honey," Danneel admits. "He should have found another way but..."

"I don’t think he could, Danni. He was scared, was being watched. I think, for him, there really was no way out."

"It still was wrong."

"Yeah, it was." Jensen sighs. With knowing the truth, everything has changed.

"Can you leave me alone for a while, Danni? I need to think."

She kisses his forehead and is gone, leaving Jensen in an emotional tailspin, torturing his mind with what happened.

**

Jensen feels weird. Light and dizzy, slightly euphoric. The thought that is slowly growing in his mind overpowers everything, strengthening those feelings and leaving Jensen in a state he hasn’t been in for a very long time. He isn’t sure of it, how can he, with all the doubts gnawing at him, but it’s close and it’s good. It’s hope. It’s life-changing.

Danneel is still with him, watching TV in the living-room. The voices are only a weak sound in the background but Jensen recognizes at once what his friend is watching. It’s not so much his own voice, but Jared’s, joking and laughing. It sounds like one of the gag reels on the DVDs. It makes Jensen smile.

Slowly and carefully, Jensen gets up, taking tiny step after tiny step to the living-room. He is very weak, not having kept down anything he has eaten in the past few days. Suddenly, and for the first time in a very, very long time, it scares him. His almost bald head, his bad teeth, his skinny body. It’s disgusting and a sin... He starved himself to death while people somewhere else don’t have a choice and have to starve... How did it come to this?

"Honey?" Danneel asks and only now does Jensen notice that he has finally reached the living-room door, holding as tightly as possibly to the door frame. His heart is beating heavily and he is so tired, tired.

Danneel stops the DVD, hurrying over to Jensen, wrapping him into her arms. He doesn’t see her worried look, but his and Jared’s face, laughing, looking at each other, so much affection for the other in their eyes. It makes him so sad and so happy at the same time.

"Jensen?" Danneel whispers as she almost carries Jensen’s light weight to the couch. "What’s wrong?"

Everything is wrong, Jensen thinks but he doesn’t say it. Instead he finally does something he should have done many many months ago, when all this started. "Help me, Danni."

Her eyes widen in fear. "Nonono, Jensen, please... not now. Don’t you dare to leave me now."

Jensen smiles. "I don’t want to anymore, Danni. Please don’t let me die."

He feels so weak and so cold and so tired. "Please don’t let me die, Danni. Everything’s changed."

Danneel’s panicked voice is only a shrill sound in the distance and the last thing Jensen sees is his and Jared’s laughing faces, is friendship and love.

# Part Three

## Chapter Seven - September 2014

The house Eric asked him to come to is a small palace, surrounded by a property that looks bigger than the village his grandma used to live in. The huge iron gates look threatening, but they open as soon as Jared says his name and he whistles impressed as he drives his car up the driveway. He can’t complain about his own account balance, life has been treating him very well, but it’s obvious that Eric made lots and lots of money after _Supernatural_ was done. At least for him, Jared’s decision wasn’t a bad one.

Still wondering why Eric invited him to his home rather than his office at Kripke Enterprises, Jared parks his car next to an old Ford that looks slightly out of place here. A valet clad in a dark uniform welcomes Jared in front of the huge door, leading him down the hallway and into a huge room, furnished with antique, dark wooden furniture.

"Jared." Eric welcomes him with open arms. "Welcome to my modest home."

Returning the hug, Jared smiles. Eric hasn’t changed a bit.

"And I’m sure, you remember Sera."

Now though, Jared can’t hide his surprise because, while he of course still remembers their executive producer, Jared didn’t expect to see her today. He hugs her warmly, whispering some compliments into her ear but when he lets go, Jared can’t help but looking very curious, wondering what’s going on here. But he knows the rules and so, he plays his part, chit-chatting with them, exchanging pleasantries and more compliments.

Eventually though, Eric clears his throat, suddenly becoming all business like. "I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re here, Jared."

Jared nods.

"So, Sera and I, we had this idea for a movie. A story about two best friends, meeting each other, being torn apart, being brought back together by fate, something like that."

There are probably countless films out there like this already, but it’s Eric, and Jared is sure he has some interesting plot up his sleeve. "Sounds good."

"Sure it does. So, we want you to be one of the leading men. Are you interested?"

For a while, Jared thinks about it, but in the end, he nods. "I am."

"We’re very happy to hear that, Jared," Sera says. "We always thought you were a very talented young man who is now a world class actor. We’d be proud to work with you again. But there is something you need to know before we start negotiations."

Jared frowns. "What would that be?"

"We want Jensen to be your co-star."

His frown turns to disbelief. God Jensen. He didn’t even know that he was well enough to work again, not having seen him since that one time after his accident, not having heard from him since then. Once in a while, he and Danneel had talked, but she had never given Jared more than the absolute necessary information and the calls had never been exactly pleasant, Danneel still being pissed at him. "Did he agree?" Jared asks, surprise and curiosity vibrating in his voice.

"Yeah. He did."

Jared doesn’t believe his ears. "He wants to play my best friend on TV? After everything that happened?"

Sera looks at Jared openly. "That’s between you and him, Jared, but he didn’t hesitate one moment, didn’t make any demands. So we ask you, can you work with Jensen after everything that happened, after what you did to him?"

"You know what happened, don’t you?"

Of course they know. Two days after Jared visited Jensen, he released a statement, giving a press conference as soon as he was released from the hospital. He admitted everything he did, all his faults, and took the blame. His reputation was ruined but Jared was an invalid anyways, still limping heavily, and he deserved nothing else. Only slowly, did he work himself back to where he is now.

"We do. We know there’s a risk, if the two of you can’t overcome it, Jared. But Jensen and you, you two... You had such good chemistry," Eric raves, "it was epic. Sera and I, and everyone involved in the project, believe you can get it back."

"And Jensen agrees," Sera adds, smiling. "He’s dying to do it."

Jared shudders, wondering if Sera knows how close Jensen was to actually dying.

"So, do you agree? Do you want this, too?

Jared smiles. "Yeah, I’d love to do this. I’d love to work with Jensen again."

"Awesome." Eric smiles broadly. "Then go out there and tell him."

"What?!" Jared cries in surprise. "Jensen’s here?"

"Well, obviously he’s not here," Eric gestures into the room, "but yeah, he’s outside, by the pool I think. Go and tell him. And take your time."

**

Nervousness washing over him in strong waves, his legs weak like jello, Jared slowly walks through the park. Late summer flowers are in bloom, encasing him with a sweet smell, but Jared doesn’t notice much of it, his mind too occupied with the fact that, in a few minutes, he will see Jensen again.

A part of Jared is drawn to his old friend like a moth to a flame, but the biggest part of him is worried and scared. What should he do? What should he say? What could he say, after all these years, after what’s standing between them? How could he ever look into Jensen’s eyes without looking back, remembering what he had done to him?

Tentatively, Jared takes one step at a time, but eventually, his long legs lead him to the place the valet pointed him to, a huge swimming pool, water sparkling like diamonds in the golden autumn sun; one half fringed with flowers and bushes, the other part with shady trees. Three benches are grouped around the biggest of the trees and on one, Jensen is sitting still as a stone statue, staring at his hands.

For a while, Jared just watches him, all silent and thoughtful. He looks good, Jared thinks, still thin but not skinny any longer, his hair having grown back now that his body has what it needs again.

A weight is being lifted off his shoulder and Jared is grateful that in the end, Jensen was strong enough to fight and win.

Quietly, he approaches Jensen, sitting down next to him.

"You said yes," Jensen states, not looking up.

"Yeah." He wants to say so much more, but he can’t think of any fitting words and he hopes, this simple yes is enough.

It is enough, Jensen finally looking up, smiling at him gently. Jensen is his old self. Mostly, at least. Jared knows, a scar will always stay, will never fully heal. How could it, after what Jensen experienced?

"I’m happy, Jared," Jensen says.

"Why are you doing this, Jensen? Why do you want to work with me?"

Jensen shrugs. "Because, Jared, I don’t want to look back. I want to look forward. For years and years I didn’t do anything but look back, staring back even. Wondering what happened, torturing myself, punishing myself. So hard and mercilessly that I almost died, Jared. I don’t want to do this anymore. We always were a good team. We can be again."

"We will be again."

***

The first days of shooting are weird, Jensen has to admit. They walk around each other like on egg shells, both wanting their old friendship back, both not daring to take the last step. It’s a little awkward and they avoid being together alone. But when the cameras are running, they are what they used to be; best friends.

Jensen hopes that one day, they can be friends again. Jared tries; he has to give him kudos for this. Every night after they wrap, Jared asks him if he wants to join him and the crew, going out. So far, Jensen always refused. His relationship to food still being distorted, Jensen has to keep a special diet and while cast and crew are all perfectly nice, he’s still self-conscious about far too many things. Every evening, he calls Danneel, every second day his shrink and most days, he is so tired after shooting anyways that he falls into bed as soon as his therapy sessions are done, sleeping peacefully until his alarm wakes him up the next morning.

Weeks pass on like this.

But then, one day, when they’re halfway through the movie, and Jared asks him again if he wants to join them, certainly expecting a rejection, Jensen nods. His co-star’s broad smile almost blinds him and he doesn’t even jerk back when Jared touches his shoulder lightly, squeezing once.

**

The bar is full and smoky, the smell of greasy food heavy in the air. Jensen shudders, feeling sick to his stomach, but he forces it down, following Jared to a table.

"You good?"

"Yeah. Sure." Jensen shudders. It’s sort of creepy, how well Jared knows him again, just by spending a few weeks with him. So far, they haven’t talked about what happened. Neither about the diary, nor about Jensen’s eating disorder or the months’ long therapy he went through after he cheated death on that day in July, when he begged Danneel for help.

Jensen isn’t sure if he wants Jared to know, if he can ever trust Jared completely again. Probably not.

"Do you want to drink anything? Eat something?"

"Soda and salad would be great." It’s the only thing Jensen dares to eat here and when he sees the greasy burger Jared gets he’s grateful for the fresh leaves and tomatoes on his plate.

They don’t talk much, eating their supper in silence, Jensen chewing every bite deliberately before he swallows it, taking a new one. It’s neither comfortable nor uncomfortable, almost slightly neutral, like they are two strangers who are just coincidentally having their meal at the same table.

"I’m grateful, Jensen, that you’re good again," Jared says when Jensen finally finishes his salad.

Jensen shrugs. Truth is; he isn’t really good. More times than not, it’s still a fight, the glance in the mirror sometimes enough to make him insecure, the urge to throw his meals up sometimes still there. But he doesn’t. As opposed to a year ago, Jensen fights, for himself, his family and his friends and the future he’s still dreaming about in secret. "I’m not healthy, yet, Jared. It’s still a fight," he admits, looking away. "But I try, and ever since I left the hospital, I won."

"I’m happy that they could help you. That you asked for help."

"Thank you for giving it to me, Jared."

Surprised, the younger man looks at him.

"I know where the money came from, Jared. I owe you."

Jared shakes his head. "Nah. You don’t. Never think that. It’s the other way round. I can never make up for what I did but..."

Jensen cuts him off. "Don’t." The older man shakes his head. "I don’t want to hear it. Not now, anyways. Just let me say thank you. You saved my life."

Now Jared is close to tears. "Don’t say that, Jen," he stutters, using Jensen’s nickname for the first time in a very long time again. Hearing it hurts pleasantly. "I almost killed you."

"No." Jensen smiles sadly. "You didn’t. You saved me. You made mistakes, Jared, but we all did. All the time. You. Saved. Me."

"But..." Jared wants to argue.

"No man. Not yet. Not now." Jensen empties his soda. "I think I should go. I need to call Tessa. My shrink."

Respecting Jensen’s wish, he nods. "Can I take you home?"

For a moment, Jensen hesitates, then he nods. "Yeah. Sure."

He watches Jared leave a couple of bills on their table, and doesn’t protest when the younger actor insists on paying Jensen’s tab, too. Then they leave, walking to their hotel.

It’s a mild night, most stars covered by fluffy clouds, the streets quiet, a dog barking, the wind whispering through the golden trees. It’s good to share it with Jared, the silence now less awkward, both being at ease with themselves, at least it seems like it.

"Can I hold your hand, Jen?" Jared suddenly asks out of the blue.

It’s totally unexpected and for a moment, Jensen doesn’t know what to do, what to say. He wants Jared to hold his hand, so badly. But he is also scared, so scared that he will lose his heart even more.

Then though, Jensen sees Jared’s face, illuminated by a sliver of silver moonlight, all hopeful, all affectionate and it’s the moment when he really doesn’t look back any longer, when he chances it, trusting Jared again. "Yeah. Would be nice."

Jared’s fingers wraps around his, almost hot skin touching his colder one, and his thumb gently brushes over the still fragile limbs. "I’m so sorry, Jensen. So sorry," Jared whispers into the darkness, moving his hand back and forth. "I’ll never hurt you again. I promise."

Jensen believes him. "I believe you, Jay."

Jared holds his hand until they say goodbye in the elevator. "Be happy, Jen," Jared says instead of wishing him a good night, remembering his last words to him.

Jensen smiles. "I am, Jay."

## Chapter Eight - June 2015

Deliberately, Jensen lets his eyes glide over the room of people who came together for the world premiere of " _Look Back, Don’t Stare_." Producers, actors, celebs. But in between, there’s also family and friends. His parents, his siblings, Danneel, Jason and Steve with their respective partners. Tessa, who is still there to talk to. People without whom, Jensen knows, he wouldn’t be here today.

He hears Jared laughing nearby, talking lively to Sera. They’re friends again, Jared and him. Really good friends. After that night in the bar, Jensen started to open up to Jared again. So far, he hasn’t regretted it; Jared is still the man he used to be, kind and generous, gentle and attentive, funny and lively. Something has changed, though. There’s guilt and self loathing in the younger man’s eyes, whenever he looks at Jensen, and so much sadness. While Jensen really learned to move on, Jared can’t and what he did to Jensen devours him, even though Jared has never admitted it.

Jensen wonders if that’s what’s holding Jared back from developing their friendship into something else, something more. Six years after their first kiss, the feelings for each other are still there, burning stronger in Jensen than ever before. Strong enough even to tell his family; they were surprisingly cool with it, just asked him to be careful. Jensen will be. He won’t force Jared into something he isn’t ready for.

A hand touches Jensen’s shoulder and even before Jensen turns around, he knows it’s Jared.

"You ready, Jen?" he asks, smiling at him softly.

He nods. "As ready as I can be, Jay. Let’s see the result of months of hard work."

*

The story told on the screen is that of Jared and Jensen. Jensen knew it the moment Eric told him about the project and when he read the script, it was crystal clear. The characters may have other names and other jobs, and the plot is a different one, but behind all this, it’s a story about friends who lost each other because one of them made a mistake, only to find each other again.

The emotional scene when Sean and Tom meet again after almost five years drives tears into Jensen’s eyes and he hears Jared sniffing quietly, too. When Jensen remembers the shooting of those scenes though, his tears are being chased away with a smile. He felt so nervous about hugging Jared in front of the camera again, something he had avoided until then, but when it finally happened, it was not Sean and Tom hugging but Jared and Jensen and for Jensen, it felt like coming home.

Looking over to Jared, Jensen sees the same smile on his face and without caring that someone might see them in the dark theater, Jensen reaches out, twining his fingers with Jared’s.

"We’re good," Jensen whispers into Jared’s ear.

They still are still holding hands when the credits are rolling.

**

It’s almost morning when the premier party comes to an end. His family and friends are long gone, but Jensen wanted to stay, enjoying it more than he had ever enjoyed these things before, the many compliments on his work he got during the night good for his ego. Jared stayed with him, only rarely leaving his side, always coming back with a huge smile on his face, hugging him affectionately, as if he hadn’t seen Jensen for years, not just minutes.

It makes Jensen all warm and fuzzy and if he can have this, Jared and this friendship, for the rest of his life, he can die a happy man.

"Time to go home," Jared sighs, sounding almost sad. They’re both uncommonly sober, Jensen because after his illness, alcohol doesn’t agree with him too well and Jared out of respect to his friend. "Called our cabs."

"Come home with me," Jensen blurts out before he can even think about it. He doesn’t want this night to end, doesn’t want to say goodbye to Jared, not knowing when they’ll see each other again, because Jared will be shooting in Europe in a few weeks and Jensen himself has a small project in New York on the horizon.

For a while, Jared doesn’t say anything, just looks at him with big, surprised eyes, nervously playing with his hair. "You sure?"

Curling his hand around Jared's wrist, he whispers, "Sure I’m sure. Come home with me."

It makes Jared smile a little. It’s enough for Jensen to know that he won’t fall asleep alone tonight.

**

It’s Jared who makes the first move as soon as they’re sitting in the cab’s back seat, taking Jensen’s hand in his own again. With soft, little strokes he caresses the fingers and it feels so good, being connected with Jared like this, simple but pure.

They don’t speak a word during the ride, lost in their own thoughts. Jensen doesn’t know where Jared’s thoughts wander to but he thinks about their road, past, present and future, what they used to be and what they are now and what they will be.

Jensen still lives in the small house he bought during his illness and doesn’t intend to sell it. He almost died there, but he likes the place. It’s cozy and comfortable, just what he needs and wants. It’s the home he dreamed about when he was a boy, living there with the girl of his dreams. Now he brings the man of his dreams home and he hopes Jared will stay for longer than this night.

"We’re home, Jay," Jensen announces as the cab driver comes to a halt.

The little nervous and shy private smile that flits over Jared’s face makes him nervous, too. Jensen follows him once he pays, unlocking the door, switching on the light in the hallway, wordlessly stripping off shoes and jacket.

From the corner of his eye, Jensen watches Jared do the same, unnaturally slow, self-conscious.

Today, the roles are reversed, to what they were half a dozen years ago. Today it’s Jensen who steps closer, wrapping Jared into his arms. It’s him, who locks eyes with the younger man, him who brushes his fingers over Jared’s cheek, him who eventually leans closer to finally kiss Jared again. It’s Jared who takes in a sharp breath, as if he really can’t believe that this is happening and it’s Jensen who kisses his insecurity away, gentle and passionate.

"Sleep with me, Jay," Jensen prompts and Jared only stares, gurgling noises instead of words escaping his throat.

It makes Jensen laugh. "I’m talking about sleeping, Jay. Not about fucking. I just want to fall asleep next to you and wake up with you again in the morning."

"It is morning," Jared whispers.

"Afternoon then," Jensen says, taking Jared’s hand, leading him to his bedroom. Jared doesn’t protest.

"Let me help you." Jared suddenly seemed to have stripped off his insecurity and without waiting for his friend’s reply, he loosens the tie and unbuttons Jensen’s shirt.

Jensen is still thin, the ribs clearly visible, his belly sunken in, not flabby like six years ago. Gently, Jared brushes his hand over Jensen’s chest, over the fine hair there, moving it down closer to his dress pants.

Jared’s hands on his bare skin feels awesome and shivers of pleasure are running through Jensen’s body, his dick waking up in interest once Jared opens the zipper and brushes his hand in a barely there touch over his underwear. One day soon, Jensen hopes, his dick and Jared’s hand, lips and tongue will meet again, but not today. Today, he wants nothing else but to be held by Jared and to hold him back. If that makes him a girl, fine, but he probably is one anyways, with all his issues.

He steps out of his pants and watches Jared reverently undressing himself before he heads to the bathroom. Jared joins him, wordlessly slipping his arms around Jensen’s torso from behind. Together, they watch their reflection in the mirror, tired eyes and faces. Jensen looks older than he really is, the sickness having carved traces into his skin.

Smiling, Jared presses into Jensen a little tighter, brushing his cheek with his lips gently. Jensen moves enough to catch Jared’s lips, his lips being much hungrier for a kiss than his cheek. It’s gentle and lazy, just lips and tongue, little whimpers and sighs surrounding them.

Regretfully, Jensen lets go after a while, handing Jared a fresh toothbrush and brushing his teeth. He takes a pee, not caring that Jared is there, washes his hands and returns to the bedroom, slipping under the covers.

Jared joins him just moments later, sliding close, spooning Jensen from behind. Emotions threatening to overwhelm Jensen, he closes his eyes, glad that it’s dark in the room, that Jared can’t see the liquid in his eyes.

It’s been so long and he has missed it so much, being held like that. And now as it happens, that simple proof of affection, his whole body is in an uproar, the butterflies in his belly awoken, doing a happy dance.

"Good night," Jared whispers.

"Sleep tight," Jensen returns, twining his hand with Jared’s, putting it over his heart, where it belongs.

**

Autumn sun tickling his nose, Jensen wakes up a couple of hours later, staring into Jared’s warm eyes, looking at him intensely, as if they could see right into the depths of Jensen’s heart and read all his thoughts.

"Good morning." Jensen yawns, hoping for a smile on Jared’s lips, but it doesn’t come. The younger man’s face is a stern mask and Jensen takes in a sharp breath once he sees that Jared’s eyes fill with tears.

"Jared? Are you okay?" Jensen hears the concern in his voice. "Are you hurting? Sick?"

Jared looks even more tortured. "Why do you love me so much, Jen, when I almost killed you?"

Jensen sighs. This is not how he wanted the day to start, with Jared and his damn guilt. On the other hand, Jensen can’t blame him. Not when he knows that it still burdens Jared, not when they never really talked about it except that one time. "You love who you love, Jared," Jensen says, smiling a little. "You don’t have a choice in that. But maybe we have to finally talk about what happened before you can believe it?"

A grateful smile twitches over Jared’s face.

"Go have a shower, Jared. I’ll make us some breakfast."

**

Breakfast is not a cheery affair, with Jared brooding, only listlessly stabbing his fork into the scrambled eggs Jensen made. Jensen himself isn’t much hungrier, either, but he eats because he must, though the eggs, actually very well made, taste dry in his mouth. He washes the flavor away with the remains of his coffee, quietly clearing the table, putting dishes and cutlery into the

dishwasher.

"Come with me, Jay," Jensen says once his kitchen is spotlessly clean again, leading the way out to the small patio that faces the back of his little garden. It’s in full bloom, a paradise and Jensen’s safe haven. When he was sick, his body aching and his mind troubled by his thoughts and worries, the whole picture of himself distorted, Jensen found solace there and peace.

There’s an old, weathered canopy swing standing under one of the trees. The summer sun has heated the wood and when Jensen sits down, the panels groaning even beneath his little weight, he feels the heat seeping through the thin sweatpants he wears.

Sitting down next to Jensen, Jared doesn’t protest when Jensen takes his hand in his own but he doesn’t dare to look at the older man, either. He’s all quiet, almost like back then in the hospital.

"Six years ago, Jared, during our night together, I fell in love with you." He hears Jared’s sharp breath but decides to ignore it. "I never told you because, you were quite clear that it could never happen again and in a way, you were right, with us being co-stars... But I always kept this love alive. Then you betrayed me," Jensen sighs, "and I was so torn. The biggest part of me believed your words, believed that you just made me imagine our friendship. But a small part never really did. We humans, Jared, are strange beings. We have doubts and we are torn and we change our minds and opinions and views all the time, and in those months, when you gave those interviews, I was the worst of this. Insecure and doubtful, I believed what you told the press. But whenever someone, my family or friends, told me to get the fuck over it and just forget you, I couldn’t. I still loved you. And I couldn’t hate you. No matter how badly you talked about me, I just couldn’t and I didn’t want to. I started to hate myself instead, for all the things you said were true. I was naive, because yeah, I still believed the best in you, and I had issues, doubts, weight problems, had no talent and couldn’t find a new job. I stopped eating, Jay. It was my way to punish myself, each look into the mirror confirming how ugly I was, how weak, how pathetic."

Taking a deep breath, Jensen moistens his lips, the little break enough for him to collect his thoughts. He knows he babbles, but probably, he has to. "In the end, I just wanted to die, Jared. The biggest part of me was dead anyways, having died when you betrayed me, and the rest... it was nothing but a weak, sick, disgusting shell. The night you had the accident, I was ready to let go." Jensen shudders, thinking about it, about how he asked Danneel to stay with him until the end.

"But then I heard about the accident and I didn’t want you to die - which somehow gave me the strength to fight - long enough to say goodbye to you. But then I saw you again and it was another boost, enough to lead to the day when you came to say sorry. I didn’t want to read the diary so Danneel did it for me. I finally understood. And while it was so damn wrong, Jared, I realized in the end that you really didn’t have a choice. Tessa once asked me what I would have done in your stead and in the end, I had to admit that I couldn’t have done anything other than what you did. Protecting you, because I love you. Hurting you, because I love you." Jensen smiles, squeezing Jared’s hand.

"That night, Jared, I found what I thought I had lost forever. Hope. It was not a moment too late, because when I told Danneel, I lost consciousness. I was hovering between life and death for days, Jared, was on forced tube feeding for much longer, in the hospital for many months. It took a damn long time until they let me out. A part of me wanted to get in touch with you back then, wanted to say thank you for the money and your help, because like I said, one thing is clear, Jared: without you paying for my treatment, I wouldn’t have made it. But I realized quite quickly that first I had to love myself again before I could give the love I have away to someone else. But I always kept it locked in my heart. So yeah, for six years now, Jared, I’ve been in love with you. It never went away, it never altered."

Jared is dumbstruck, crying silent, big tears. "I don’t deserve this, Jensen."

"Are you happy here, with me, with us being friends and with what’s developing between us, Jay?"

Wiping his tears away, Jared nods. "Very."

"Then you deserve it. You deserve all the happiness you can get, Jared, because you had to make the most horrendous decisions ever."

"But..." Jared wants to object. Jensen silences him by gently pressing his finger against his lips.

"Wait for a moment, Jay. Don’t run away."

Jensen heads towards the house, returning only a couple of minutes later. Silently, he hands Jared what he fetched; his old diary.

"Jen," Jared stammers. "It’s yours. You should keep it."

Jensen shakes his head. "Nah. It’s not mine. It’s yours and ours. Our past. _We_ should keep it."

Fresh tears are running down Jared’s face but he doesn’t care anymore. Reverently, he thumbs through the pages, until he reaches the last written one, not an entry of his, but of Jensen’s, dated yesterday.

_"Look back, don’t stare"_ it says in Jensen’s handwriting and beneath eight letters with one simple meaning. _"I love you."_

A beautiful leather band is fixed on the paper, like the ones Jensen always liked to wear so much and as Jared looks closer, he sees that it’s the exact counterpart to the one Jensen wears today, actually wore yesterday.

"Jen... I.."

"Jared," Jensen says gently, taking the journal out of Jared’s hand, quietly fixing the bracelet around Jared’s wrist, "I know I’m the last one who should give you advice when it comes to hating yourself, but please, Jared. I. Forgave. You. A long, long time ago, simply because I know you had no choice. Please don’t carry around all that guilt and hate, when you can carry around love and hope instead, Jared. You can look back, and remember what happened, if you have to, but please, don’t stare. Let the past remain the past. Let’s look to the future. Together, if you want to."

Jensen’s heart beats like a blacksmith’s hammer against his chest as he waits for a huge part of his future to be decided. Curiously but patiently, he watches Jared from the corner of his eye, how he thoughtfully plays with the leather bracelet, how he thinks, how he looks back.

Then Jared smiles.

And Jensen knows, for the first time in almost six years, his friend doesn’t stare and if he does, it’s into their future.

"Together."

# Epilogue

## November 2018

The grass surrounding the porch is covered with a thin layer of snow, and the trees, home of countless crows, are stretching their bare thin branches into the gray, cloudy sky. It’s ice cold, but Jared doesn’t feel it as he stares out into the backyard and over to the thin layer of ice covering the pond. What Jared sees though is not the garden of the ranch they bought two years ago, but of himself, sitting in Ben’s office, not finding a way out of his trouble, betraying Jensen and his promise, breaking his vow. It’s been 9 years to the day since this happened and Jared just can’t help but walk down memory lane.

He’s so lost in thought, so lost in the old pain, suddenly fresh and devouring, that he doesn’t hear his boyfriend stepping into the cold morning air. Gently, Jensen first wraps a warm blanket around Jared’s shoulders before his arms slip around his torso to hold him tight.

"Don’t go down that road," he whispers, like Jensen knows what’s going on in Jared’s mind, and maybe he does. Three years of love and shared lives do this to each other. "Open this for me instead." Jensen hands Jared a gift box.

Curiously, Jared turns around in his boyfriend’s arms, lifting the lid. He finds the journal, a knife and a velvet box. His heart skips a beat. With trembling hands, Jared takes the diary out of the box, hurriedly thumbing to the last page.

He notices the photo at once. It’s the photo he left Jensen in his copy of " _The Lord of the Rings_ ", now tidily affixed to the page. Underneath, Jensen wrote uncommonly tidy.

_Eternally bound in friendship and love?_

_xxx_

_PS. Please say yes._

Suddenly, Jared’s legs are very weak. This can’t be what he thinks it is, can it? They love each other, sure, they _are_ eternally bound in friendship and love, but Jensen wouldn’t go that far, would he? But there’s the knife and the little velvet box and most of all, Jensen’s hopeful face.

Then, Jensen takes his hand, kissing it, waiting patiently. He doesn’t say a thing. Like so often, they speak without words, understanding intuitively what is going on.

Jared makes his decision, probably has made it months ago, when he chucked acting, moving to this beautiful piece of land in Maine and starting a new life.

Smiling, Jared takes the knife, cutting his hand. It burns, but like all those years ago, it’s a welcome, good pain, making him more alive. Fingers gently brushing over Jared’s, Jensen takes the knife then, cutting his own palm. They press their hands together, mingle their blood, watching how it drops onto the small pile of snow the wind blew onto the porch, coloring it a deep red.

They stay like this for a long time, their warm, bloody hands pressed together, drinking from the other’s warmth, eyes locked, showing so many emotions. Only when the blood runs dry, does Jensen let go, kissing the thin cut on Jared’s palm before he opens the velvety box. His fingers tremble as he takes out the slightly bigger of the two rings, gently slipping it on Jared’s finger. Jensen doesn’t breathe as he does it, just takes it in, this moment when they wordlessly promise each other to stay together until the end. When Jared does the same, smiling at him with tears in his eyes, a happiness like Jensen never believed possible spreads from his heart all through his body.

They kiss, soft, tender, affectionately and then, under more kisses, Jensen takes Jared back into the warmth of their house, slowly tugging him into the bedroom. A fire dances happily in the fireplace, the scent of burning wood and rosin strong in their noses, the warmth welcoming after the cold outside.

Both men don’t wear much and their clothes are shed quickly, stripped off by eager hands. Like a miracle, the lube appears in Jared’s hand, and he carefully prepares Jensen, each stroke not only made to make the actual act more pleasant but also to satisfy his already needy fiancé. After three years and countless days and nights of sex, Jared knows what his boyfriend loves and he does it deftly, each of Jensen’s whimpers a little gift.

Eventually, Jensen is all wide and ready, his hips jerking slightly, and Jared finally conquers that tight ring of muscle. It’s just like always, tight and warm and just awesome, but also different than before. Maybe it’s their new bond, the new promise they gave each other, but in contrast to the norm, when their act is hot and steamy, it’s loving and gentle today. Like their relationship is, like they are with each other. They don’t heat each other up with dirty words, but say nothing at all, just look at each other, as their fingers glide over naked skin, caressing skin and scars and moles. In the end, Jared lets his hand rest on Jensen’s waist, on the slight layer of fat that returned eventually. He loves it. Every bit of Jensen’s body, every inch of his heart and soul.

"I love you," he whispers, kissing Jensen’s chest as he comes, shuddering violently under the pleasure - the warmth of Jensen’s own cum a good feeling on his belly.

Almost blanketing Jensen, Jared breaks down over him, and holds him tight.

"Love you too, Jay."

For a while, they stay like this, two halves of the same being, breathing in unison.

"We’re getting married," Jared breathes out eventually, like he still can’t believe it.

"Yeah baby, we are. We finally are."

Jared kisses his fiancé again, sighing regretfully when he gets up and goes over to the bathroom. He cleans himself there and comes back with a warm washcloth. With crossed legs, Jared sits down on the mattress, gently cleaning Jensen. He takes his time, washing his cum away, kissing a freckle here or a scar there, the bowed legs, the toes, Jensen’s now limp member. In the end, he softly caresses Jensen’s tummy, the skin around his bellybutton. "You’re so beautiful, Jensen."

The older man closes his eyes, smiling softly. "I know I am, Jared. You make me see it every day."

They are good.

They are happy.

They learned to love and to forgive, to look back, but not to stare.

**The End**


End file.
